When Xinxin is alive, we always ask her whether she wanted a baby brother or baby sister. And she told us different answers every time. And I really wanted to let her have siblings as I know how lonely she was when she saw other kids have brothers or sisters to play with. This feeling is especially strong during Xinxin's treatment because I thought we would die before Xinxin and it's better to let her have siblings. But after Xinxin's passing, suddenly, I don't want to have baby anymore.
It's very scary to recall what Xinxin went through and how helpless we were when we saw Xinxin suffer but cannot do any thing to help her suffer any less.When she was in so much pain, I wanted to die for her..For a few times the doctor told me to get prepared, I told them that we had got prepared,but we didn't do anything,because I really don't know what to prepare when I know Xinxin was dying soon-to prepare not cry, or to prepare to be sad or I don't know. And what make things worse is that my husband was working most of the time when I am in the hospital with Xinxin, many times I have to face all these alone by myself--How to tell my parents to let them get prepared that their grand kid was dying. And many parents always say that I was strong, but I am not, I am not strong at all, no parents are strong enough to bear the loss of their kids especially after so many sufferings--she suffered because we thought she could be saved, but she suffered for nothing. Isn't it very painful when we recall all these which no kids should face at all.
I got the following emails from my friends-Nancy and Joe when I told them that I don't want to have baby any more. It's very nice of them to write the story and it's encouraging to read the story, but i am still VERY scared to only think about it.
Dear Joy,
You might be interested in this true story: About 56 years ago parents lost their daughter, age 4, to leukemia. The parents, like you, were devastated and the mother’s hair turned white. Later, they had more children. In 1989 the father, George H.W. Bush, became President of the United States. In 2000 one of their sons, George W. Bush, was also elected President of the United States. Later, another son, was elected Governor of the state of Florida.
.........
Take care and keep well.
Love, Nancy & Joe Logan
March 28th,2008 Saturday
While I was thinking very hard how to refuse Xinxin's God parents' kind invitation, God has already made the decision for us.It has been raining for two days, so they have to put off the plan of their trip. Isn't God really nice?
One of my friends came to see me and cried loudly in front of me and my parents,which I don't really like.She cried because she cannot accept the fact that I lost my daughter. I never cry before my parents, because I know that they are also VERY VERY sad already, and I don't want to make them sadder. Always, I never talk about Xinxin's last few days with friends. And I try to talk some other things. I understand people's feeling, but sometimes it seems that some people don't understand our aching heart.
One of my friends came to see me and cried loudly in front of me and my parents,which I don't really like.She cried because she cannot accept the fact that I lost my daughter. I never cry before my parents, because I know that they are also VERY VERY sad already, and I don't want to make them sadder. Always, I never talk about Xinxin's last few days with friends. And I try to talk some other things. I understand people's feeling, but sometimes it seems that some people don't understand our aching heart.
March 25th,2009 Wednesday
I keep myself at home at daytime and go to my God daughter's home to play with her every night. Xinxin's God parents invited me to go out with them this weekend for two days--they planned the trip special for me because then I can cry in the forest and to the sea. I don't want to disturb their feelings and make the trip not so enjoyable. But it's hard to refuse as they complained that I don't
take them as one family. I know they are trying to help me, but I am not ready now. In China, sometimes it's hard to refuse as it might hurt other people's feeling. Don't know how. I guess I should go with them or maybe should follow my heart.
I was weeping quietly when everyone is sleeping. But I still feel heart pain,I went to a park nearby alone and cried loudly yesterday for the first time after Xinxin's passing. It's good to let out. But my crying made people came around me to ask all kinds of questions.(if you have stayed in China, you can imagine the situation). I asked God to help me, a cleaner told me that God was not going to help only she can help me.(Don't know how people understands my words while I was crying as loudly as I can). And some people asked me to go to temples with them.
It's very hard to talk gospel here in China, so I just cried and cried until I was too tied. it really helped a lot.
take them as one family. I know they are trying to help me, but I am not ready now. In China, sometimes it's hard to refuse as it might hurt other people's feeling. Don't know how. I guess I should go with them or maybe should follow my heart.
I was weeping quietly when everyone is sleeping. But I still feel heart pain,I went to a park nearby alone and cried loudly yesterday for the first time after Xinxin's passing. It's good to let out. But my crying made people came around me to ask all kinds of questions.(if you have stayed in China, you can imagine the situation). I asked God to help me, a cleaner told me that God was not going to help only she can help me.(Don't know how people understands my words while I was crying as loudly as I can). And some people asked me to go to temples with them.
It's very hard to talk gospel here in China, so I just cried and cried until I was too tied. it really helped a lot.
March 23rd,2009 Monday
A friend sent this to me when Xinxin passed away. It always brings me into tears to read it because I know that Xinxin suffered for us. I hold it close to my heart everyday. It helps me to know that the place she is in now is so amazingly great she will never recall the pain she suffered while on earth. We are better people for having known him.
This friend's son--Max also suffered from Stage 4 Neuroblastoma. Please also pray his family as Max is playing with Xinxin now in heaven.
The Brave Little Soul
Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. He especially enjoyed the love he saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day he saw suffering in the world. He approached God and sadly asked, “Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?” God paused for a moment and replied, "Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people’s hearts.” The little soul was confused. “What do you mean,” he asked. God replied, “Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone.” The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, “The suffering soul unlocks the love in people’s hearts much like the sun and the rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this – it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer – to unlock this love – to create this miracle – for the good of all humanity."
Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain himself. With his wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied, "I am brave; let me go! I would like to go into the world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people’s hearts! I want to create that miracle!" God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you.” God and the brave little soul shared a smile, and then embraced.
In parting, God said, “Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed.” Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through his suffering and God’s strength, he unlocked the goodness and love in people’s hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys – some regained lost faith – many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened. God was pleased. – John Alessi
This friend's son--Max also suffered from Stage 4 Neuroblastoma. Please also pray his family as Max is playing with Xinxin now in heaven.
The Brave Little Soul
Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. He especially enjoyed the love he saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day he saw suffering in the world. He approached God and sadly asked, “Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?” God paused for a moment and replied, "Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people’s hearts.” The little soul was confused. “What do you mean,” he asked. God replied, “Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone.” The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, “The suffering soul unlocks the love in people’s hearts much like the sun and the rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this – it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer – to unlock this love – to create this miracle – for the good of all humanity."
Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain himself. With his wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied, "I am brave; let me go! I would like to go into the world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people’s hearts! I want to create that miracle!" God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you.” God and the brave little soul shared a smile, and then embraced.
In parting, God said, “Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed.” Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through his suffering and God’s strength, he unlocked the goodness and love in people’s hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys – some regained lost faith – many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened. God was pleased. – John Alessi
March 21st,2009 Saturday
I found these photos at home computer--isn't Xinxin very cute when she was a baby. Xinxin was 4kg+ when she was born and she was developing very well until she was diagnosed with NB. I still can't help asking myself why this must happy to my daughter and to my family.
March 17th,2009 Tuesday
In the past few days, I went to Xinxin's God parents' home to see their daughter--my God daughter. The girl is the same age as Xinxin and she still remembers my daughter's name--she calls me Xinxin mommy as most kids here call me after two and a half years. We used to play together everyday before we moved to Singapore. Xinxin and the girl had a lot of great times. I brought the girl to the park that Xinxin and her used to play. I still have the photos that Xinxin plays in the park(but they are not taken by the digital camera). It always reminds me how nice if Xinxin were alive.
When night falls,and when I am alone, I cannot help crying for my lost--missing my Xinxin a lot. Almost all my friends and relatives ask me to have another baby soon and forget Xinxin. But how can I? Xinxin is not here but she is my little angel and she is going to be in my heart forever.
When night falls,and when I am alone, I cannot help crying for my lost--missing my Xinxin a lot. Almost all my friends and relatives ask me to have another baby soon and forget Xinxin. But how can I? Xinxin is not here but she is my little angel and she is going to be in my heart forever.
Thank you--my students
Some of my students came to see me yesterday. They bought me fruits and Flowers again(my students bought flowers to see me after I gave birth to Xinxin)
These students are now in the last year of their high school and,they will meet their College Entrance Exams within 90 days. And they are the students who tried their best last year to organize things to donate for my daughter. Aren't they very nice? During my daughter's treatment,we got a lot help from friends,but not from any relatives(except my family), my husband's brother called to tell us to give up instead of so called waisting money. Sometimes it's really hard to understand why the poor students have more hearts than our adult--they bought big apartments,some even have cars. I guess that's why God loves kids.
I want to thank all my students and friends and who gave us a lot of support during my daughter's treatment.
These students are now in the last year of their high school and,they will meet their College Entrance Exams within 90 days. And they are the students who tried their best last year to organize things to donate for my daughter. Aren't they very nice? During my daughter's treatment,we got a lot help from friends,but not from any relatives(except my family), my husband's brother called to tell us to give up instead of so called waisting money. Sometimes it's really hard to understand why the poor students have more hearts than our adult--they bought big apartments,some even have cars. I guess that's why God loves kids.
I want to thank all my students and friends and who gave us a lot of support during my daughter's treatment.
March,9th,2009 Monday
I have been to my hometown for two weeks and finally got the Internet today. I tried to keep myself at home as I had been stayed in this town for 15 years and had been in the same school for 11 years.(5 years for being a student and 6 years as a teacher). My school is only three minutes' walk from my home, so in the same community, almost everyone knows me and my family.But soon almost all our relatives and my friends came to my home to see me. It's really very nice of them to support us at this moment, but I just do not know how to share my feelings with them. Of course they don't want to see me cry again and again, so every time, I tried to keep quiet. Some of them invited to go to school to have lunch as our school has dining hall from this semester now. It's really hard for me to get into the school right now.
I really feel kind of lost now.I haven't get used to the life without my dearest daughter. The reason I came home is because my parents wanted me to get enough rest. So every day, my job is to eat more and sleep more, but unfortunately, I got sick at the third day and have been coughing for one week. But it's really very enjoying for being a daughter of my parents and a wife of my husband. My parents are really very nice to me---cook for me, wash my clothes for me and accompany to the hospital. My husband calls me a few times every day and we chat just like when we just met many years ago.
I really feel kind of lost now.I haven't get used to the life without my dearest daughter. The reason I came home is because my parents wanted me to get enough rest. So every day, my job is to eat more and sleep more, but unfortunately, I got sick at the third day and have been coughing for one week. But it's really very enjoying for being a daughter of my parents and a wife of my husband. My parents are really very nice to me---cook for me, wash my clothes for me and accompany to the hospital. My husband calls me a few times every day and we chat just like when we just met many years ago.
Feb.23rd,2009 Monday
I am going to mainland China with my parents tomorrow--Feb.24. When my husband booked the ticket we didn't realize how special the date is.
Suddenly, I realize that on Feb 24,2001 I got married with my husband at the age of 23.(you can figure out how old I am now) It's exactly 8 years since we have been married and 11 years since we have known each other.Time really flies. Everything seems just happened yesterday.
In the past month, I felt I got lost, I don't know what my life aim is. Every day, I seem to be very normal,but I cried almost every night.I cried when I heard the news of another kid fighting with cancer. I cried when I see people die. This is really the first time in my life that death is so near to me and it really broke my heart.
Some people told me that;"you are still young, when you get the second baby, you will forget your first one."
It seems they don't understand the feeling of losing a child.It's a feeling that no one wants to have and no parents should ever have . The pain of losing a child is so painful that I think HUGE is not big enough to describe it,especially when you recall the bad time your child had experienced. The pain is like a knife cutting the heart once a while and it never seems to stop.
I am writing my feeling here because I want all of you to treasure your life with your families if you are fortunately to be healthy. And please help those whose family is having a kid with cancer. You will never know their life. And I am very thankful that we are very lucky to have a lot of friends' help when we are unfortunately to have my daughter with cancer. Friends' help really make it very different--prayers,emails, messages, calls,gifts and financial support.
Thank you for all of your support in the past 14 months.
Suddenly, I realize that on Feb 24,2001 I got married with my husband at the age of 23.(you can figure out how old I am now) It's exactly 8 years since we have been married and 11 years since we have known each other.Time really flies. Everything seems just happened yesterday.
In the past month, I felt I got lost, I don't know what my life aim is. Every day, I seem to be very normal,but I cried almost every night.I cried when I heard the news of another kid fighting with cancer. I cried when I see people die. This is really the first time in my life that death is so near to me and it really broke my heart.
Some people told me that;"you are still young, when you get the second baby, you will forget your first one."
It seems they don't understand the feeling of losing a child.It's a feeling that no one wants to have and no parents should ever have . The pain of losing a child is so painful that I think HUGE is not big enough to describe it,especially when you recall the bad time your child had experienced. The pain is like a knife cutting the heart once a while and it never seems to stop.
I am writing my feeling here because I want all of you to treasure your life with your families if you are fortunately to be healthy. And please help those whose family is having a kid with cancer. You will never know their life. And I am very thankful that we are very lucky to have a lot of friends' help when we are unfortunately to have my daughter with cancer. Friends' help really make it very different--prayers,emails, messages, calls,gifts and financial support.
Thank you for all of your support in the past 14 months.
Feb.5th,2009
Last night, my heart is overwhelmed with sorrow,Actually, I wanted to call friends and I know a lot of my good fiends are willing to listen to me, but I am sorry that I don't know how to share the feeling of losing my preciouse kid. It's really hard.But God knows everything for sure. I cried and cried and my husband kept telling me that he is with me anyway. I weep before the Lord, and didn't know what to do. A friend who I knew only day before Xinxin's death called me.I started to cry when I answered the call,his son died 8 months ago because of cancer. He listened to me and shared with me his feeling for a long time. Isn't God nice enough to arange his angel to comfort me when I was in need.
After the call, there is one word kept in my mind,which we didn't mention during the call:
"我的恩典够用“--"My grace is sufficient."
After the call, there is one word kept in my mind,which we didn't mention during the call:
"我的恩典够用“--"My grace is sufficient."
Feb. 4th, 2008 Thinking of Xinxin
I planned to bring my husband to the park Xinxin and I used to play, which is only five minutes' walk,and my husband never had a chance to go with us. But we came to the sports ground instead.It was a very nice place for exercise, but my minds is with Xinxin. I was asking why this big world cannot allow a tiny tiny place for my daughter.
I really want to know how is Xinxin now.One friend told me that she is in a better place.I also told my parents that she is taken good care by God now. But deep in my mind, I can not really let go at all.
Who wants to die?No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. Everyone knows that heaven is a better place, but why do we still love to live here? Why do my kid only have a few years here?
And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. The only question us why MY kid must suffer all the pains most adults never experienced?
I talked to Xinxin a few times about death before her passing.Every time, she listened to me quietly and asked me a few questions like: will I get food there? But does she really understand what death meant?I don't know, maybe she knows, maybe not. I was so afraid that she would asked me to go with her together,because she asks me to stay with her every minute in her last few months.But she never asked me to go with her.
The last time talking about death was on the day before her last day, I ask crying because I knew I couldn't keep her here for long any more,Xinxin tried to hold my hands, but she was too weak to reach,but she told me clearly the most touchingly sentence:Mommy, don't worry about me.
I have promised her, but I really cannot make it. Xinxin asked me not to lie to her...
I really want to know how is Xinxin now.One friend told me that she is in a better place.I also told my parents that she is taken good care by God now. But deep in my mind, I can not really let go at all.
Who wants to die?No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. Everyone knows that heaven is a better place, but why do we still love to live here? Why do my kid only have a few years here?
And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. The only question us why MY kid must suffer all the pains most adults never experienced?
I talked to Xinxin a few times about death before her passing.Every time, she listened to me quietly and asked me a few questions like: will I get food there? But does she really understand what death meant?I don't know, maybe she knows, maybe not. I was so afraid that she would asked me to go with her together,because she asks me to stay with her every minute in her last few months.But she never asked me to go with her.
The last time talking about death was on the day before her last day, I ask crying because I knew I couldn't keep her here for long any more,Xinxin tried to hold my hands, but she was too weak to reach,but she told me clearly the most touchingly sentence:Mommy, don't worry about me.
I have promised her, but I really cannot make it. Xinxin asked me not to lie to her...
Feb.2nd,2009 Monday
I am sorry Xinxin that I couldn't save you.
This is the word we heard my father was talking to Xinxin on her Funeral. And today I read it on another NB's website. Tears can not help....It seems that every parent or grandparent are the same. When we see our kid or grand kid face death, we couldn't do anything and how we wish that we could be the one who is suffering...
It has been gone for just over three weeks now and it doesn’t seem real yet. My husband gets the habit to call me during the day time and the first word is:"how is Xinxin?" He asked the same questions and he answered by himself : you should be fine without Xinxin.
We try to keep ourselves somewhat busy during our Chinese New year holiday, but it doesn't make us miss her any less.
Xinxin came to his dream frequently, but only once to mine ---she was doing a scan without crying.
I asked Shuyuan what if Xinxin cannot recognise us or whether she will be same when we meet her again.
Hugs and kisses to my little Angel, we love you forever. Please continue the prayers.
I got a few phone calls from new NB family and it reminded me that the pain Xinxin had to go through.I recalled the time when Xinxin was diagnosed, I was angry with the doctors because they couldn't diagnosed earlier and I was mad at everyone who I met in the hospital.. It could be very difficult for these family.
My heart broke. I was reminded of the stress, the worry of having a child in cancer treatment. And the question why my kid is having cancer will be in the brain forever once for sure our kid had cancer .Every ache, every bruise, every complaint...Please continue to pray for all the children and their families who have cancer. There is no complete rest from the worry for them.
This is the word we heard my father was talking to Xinxin on her Funeral. And today I read it on another NB's website. Tears can not help....It seems that every parent or grandparent are the same. When we see our kid or grand kid face death, we couldn't do anything and how we wish that we could be the one who is suffering...
It has been gone for just over three weeks now and it doesn’t seem real yet. My husband gets the habit to call me during the day time and the first word is:"how is Xinxin?" He asked the same questions and he answered by himself : you should be fine without Xinxin.
We try to keep ourselves somewhat busy during our Chinese New year holiday, but it doesn't make us miss her any less.
Xinxin came to his dream frequently, but only once to mine ---she was doing a scan without crying.
I asked Shuyuan what if Xinxin cannot recognise us or whether she will be same when we meet her again.
Hugs and kisses to my little Angel, we love you forever. Please continue the prayers.
I got a few phone calls from new NB family and it reminded me that the pain Xinxin had to go through.I recalled the time when Xinxin was diagnosed, I was angry with the doctors because they couldn't diagnosed earlier and I was mad at everyone who I met in the hospital.. It could be very difficult for these family.
My heart broke. I was reminded of the stress, the worry of having a child in cancer treatment. And the question why my kid is having cancer will be in the brain forever once for sure our kid had cancer .Every ache, every bruise, every complaint...Please continue to pray for all the children and their families who have cancer. There is no complete rest from the worry for them.
Missing XinXin
We miss xinxin a lot. It brought us tears to see her photos again and again.She brings us a lot of good time that we are missing a lot.
Jan25th, 2009
Dear friends,Thank you for your prayers, thought, concern and help.
Wish you a blessed Chinese New Year.
We miss Xinxin very much.
Wish you a blessed Chinese New Year.
We miss Xinxin very much.
Thank you
Here are some photos of Xinxin's funeral. We were very sad of losing our daughter.But we are peaceful to know that she is happier in the paradise now without needles, vomiting or pain.
We had a very long memorial ceremony and there are more people as we expected and most of them are new to us except those 20 plus from Shuyuan's company and Xinxin's good friends--her Sister Tian and Sister Zen.
I want to thank all of those who attended the memorial ceremony and who encouraged us and who are helping us and praying for us.
I will post some of the photos as I will get the pictures and videos later at the weekend.
Thank you all for your concern.
We had a very long memorial ceremony and there are more people as we expected and most of them are new to us except those 20 plus from Shuyuan's company and Xinxin's good friends--her Sister Tian and Sister Zen.
I want to thank all of those who attended the memorial ceremony and who encouraged us and who are helping us and praying for us.
I will post some of the photos as I will get the pictures and videos later at the weekend.
Thank you all for your concern.
Video to share
The following video was sent by my friend Chuck who I met in Xi'an in 2002. He knew Xinxin's situation by my friend Nancy and Joe.
The video is very touching and It is about a young boy who lived in western U.S. and felt a tremendous sorrow for a loss that was important to him in his life. He was able to deal with it through a religious experience and he shared this with people.
The video is very touching and It is about a young boy who lived in western U.S. and felt a tremendous sorrow for a loss that was important to him in his life. He was able to deal with it through a religious experience and he shared this with people.
Jan.19th,2008 Monday
The following file was made by our friend --Yanqiong who helped us a lot when we were in Singapore. She shared the following file in her church last weekend. I don't know how long it took her to only collect these photos because she didn't ask for photos from me but download from Xinxin's Blog. I didn't know it at all until she emailed me this morning.
I want to thank her for her time and help.
I want to thank her for her time and help.
Jan.18th,2008 Sunday
I walked to the 18th floor from the first floor of Yan Fook Church in the morning,because there are too many people waiting for the lift.
At lunch time I met Sally to confirm with her about Xinxin's Memorial ceremony--it will be 7:30--8:30pm on Jan.20,2009 (Tuesday) at the 15th floor of EFCC Yan Fook Church.(Lai Chi Kwok MTR exit A, Cheung Sha Wan Road 789, Yan Fook church)
Please come with your family or your friends.I am sure Xinxin will be happy that we share her story with more people.
At lunch time I met Sally to confirm with her about Xinxin's Memorial ceremony--it will be 7:30--8:30pm on Jan.20,2009 (Tuesday) at the 15th floor of EFCC Yan Fook Church.(Lai Chi Kwok MTR exit A, Cheung Sha Wan Road 789, Yan Fook church)
Please come with your family or your friends.I am sure Xinxin will be happy that we share her story with more people.
Xinxin's funeral on Jan.16th,2009
Thanks God that Xinxin's funeral was great with a lot friends' attendance--Shu Yuan's friends( his company's CTO, the Director, managers and colleagues), our brothers and sisters in Christ, the medical staff, the CCF staff( Xinxin's Sister tian, Sister zen and Ms.Shi Tu) and Kan's family.
All these friends are new to us,we knew some of them them only a few days ago.So we are very grateful to have all these friends here with us.
We arrived QMH around 11:00 am and we prayed before we saw Xinxin. My husband started to cry loudly when he first saw xinxin and all of us cried for a while. Then we started to change clothes for Xinxin. Xinxin looks much better than her on Saturday--she is smiling at us. My mother and Shu yuan also told me that Xinxin has a smiling face later after we came back home which I know it's true that Xinxin is living peacefully with Father now.
We also put some of Xinxin's favourite snacks, toys and a lot clothes in her PINK Coffin( Shu Yuan requested for a pink one as we know Xinxin loves Pink). She looks very peaceful and pretty as usual.
Then we started to sing her favorite song--JESUS LOVES ME three times and Mr. Xie read us some words in the bible. And all of us come close to see Xinxin and talk to her. I prayed for her.We started to cry again as we know it is the last time for us to see her. My father kept blaming himself not to take good care of Xinxin and cannot suffer for her.
Shu Yuan took Xinxin's PHOTO and we went to the crematorium at 12:30 pm. At the crematorium, we sing some songs and Mr. Xie read us some words from the Bible and we sang some more songs. And each of us gave Xinxin a pink color rose, and we cried and cried...
I know Xinxin is living happily in the Paradise without needles and no disease called Neurablastumor any more.
We are peaceful that Xinxin is not suffering anymore.
Once again we want to thank all those who are with us , help us and pray for us. God answers our prayers and He knows the best for us.
All these friends are new to us,we knew some of them them only a few days ago.So we are very grateful to have all these friends here with us.
We arrived QMH around 11:00 am and we prayed before we saw Xinxin. My husband started to cry loudly when he first saw xinxin and all of us cried for a while. Then we started to change clothes for Xinxin. Xinxin looks much better than her on Saturday--she is smiling at us. My mother and Shu yuan also told me that Xinxin has a smiling face later after we came back home which I know it's true that Xinxin is living peacefully with Father now.
We also put some of Xinxin's favourite snacks, toys and a lot clothes in her PINK Coffin( Shu Yuan requested for a pink one as we know Xinxin loves Pink). She looks very peaceful and pretty as usual.
Then we started to sing her favorite song--JESUS LOVES ME three times and Mr. Xie read us some words in the bible. And all of us come close to see Xinxin and talk to her. I prayed for her.We started to cry again as we know it is the last time for us to see her. My father kept blaming himself not to take good care of Xinxin and cannot suffer for her.
Shu Yuan took Xinxin's PHOTO and we went to the crematorium at 12:30 pm. At the crematorium, we sing some songs and Mr. Xie read us some words from the Bible and we sang some more songs. And each of us gave Xinxin a pink color rose, and we cried and cried...
I know Xinxin is living happily in the Paradise without needles and no disease called Neurablastumor any more.
We are peaceful that Xinxin is not suffering anymore.
Once again we want to thank all those who are with us , help us and pray for us. God answers our prayers and He knows the best for us.
Sad
We have to face Xinxin's things again as we are preparing for her funeral now.It's heart broken as we see her clothes her toys and her books. I kept asking why this must happen to my daughter. It's really hard to face all these...
Jan.14th,2009 Wednesday
Xinxin is always very brave.
The whole day I was thinking how could Xinxin be so brave and why must a little kid suffer so much.I couldn't get the answer until my head really hurts.
In the afternoon, my parents and I went to the church to discuss the details of the Funeral on Friday.Thanks God, everything sounds fine to us.
And we planned a memorial meeting for Xinxin at 7:30--9:00pm on Jan.2o,2009 (Tuesday) at the 8th floor of EFCC Yan Fook Church.
So for those who cannot come on her funeral this Friday, please come next Tuesday.
Please continue to pray for Xinxin.
And also pray for me as I will write the story of her short life with God.Please pray the guidance of God of the writing Pray that I will be strong enough to talk on that day because I am not ready yet now. I think I cannot. But my husband is too sad also...
The whole day I was thinking how could Xinxin be so brave and why must a little kid suffer so much.I couldn't get the answer until my head really hurts.
In the afternoon, my parents and I went to the church to discuss the details of the Funeral on Friday.Thanks God, everything sounds fine to us.
And we planned a memorial meeting for Xinxin at 7:30--9:00pm on Jan.2o,2009 (Tuesday) at the 8th floor of EFCC Yan Fook Church.
So for those who cannot come on her funeral this Friday, please come next Tuesday.
Please continue to pray for Xinxin.
And also pray for me as I will write the story of her short life with God.Please pray the guidance of God of the writing Pray that I will be strong enough to talk on that day because I am not ready yet now. I think I cannot. But my husband is too sad also...
Jan.12th,2008 Monday
Thanks God that we did everything smooth. We went to five different places to do the final thing for Xinxin with the help of five new friends-Janet,Ms.zen,Mikel and Mikel's friends.
It should take us more than a few days to find these places despite the commucation problems without the help of all these friends.
And with God's guidance--Xinxin's funeral will be 11:30 am Jan.16th(Friday)at QMH. For those who want to see her last sight,please come and see her, I am sure she will be happy.
For those who cannot come, please sing the song-- Jesus loves me, this I know"(耶稣爱我，我知道) as I know that Xinxin loves it very much.
We will have a Christian's funeral for her with the help of our new Friend--sally Guang, Mr. Xie,Janet ,Mikel.So far I have no ideas of the funeral, but I know we are missing her a lot.
Please continue to pray for Xinxin.Hope she will come to our dreams and tell us her life.
Thanks.
It should take us more than a few days to find these places despite the commucation problems without the help of all these friends.
And with God's guidance--Xinxin's funeral will be 11:30 am Jan.16th(Friday)at QMH. For those who want to see her last sight,please come and see her, I am sure she will be happy.
For those who cannot come, please sing the song-- Jesus loves me, this I know"(耶稣爱我，我知道) as I know that Xinxin loves it very much.
We will have a Christian's funeral for her with the help of our new Friend--sally Guang, Mr. Xie,Janet ,Mikel.So far I have no ideas of the funeral, but I know we are missing her a lot.
Please continue to pray for Xinxin.Hope she will come to our dreams and tell us her life.
Thanks.
Jan.11th,2008 Sunday
Dear friends, thank you very for your concern, prayers. And we are very sorry that we are not ready to answer your phones at the moment as we are too sad…We appreciate your emails and we will try to write a update later.
We miss Xinxin a lot and hoping she is really having a good time. As parents, we felt bad that we couldn't give her a healthy body and we couldn't do anything for her when she was in such pain. This was the worst thing and saddest thing in the world.
But don't worry about us as a few new friends Mr. Xie, Ms Kuang, Janet.And our CCF specialist- Ms. Zen are helping us a lot doing the final things. And the doctors and nurses helped us a lot at the last moment.
Please continue to pray for the bravery of Xinxin.
Thank you.
We miss Xinxin a lot and hoping she is really having a good time. As parents, we felt bad that we couldn't give her a healthy body and we couldn't do anything for her when she was in such pain. This was the worst thing and saddest thing in the world.
But don't worry about us as a few new friends Mr. Xie, Ms Kuang, Janet.And our CCF specialist- Ms. Zen are helping us a lot doing the final things. And the doctors and nurses helped us a lot at the last moment.
Please continue to pray for the bravery of Xinxin.
Thank you.
Jan.10th,2008 Saturday
We are very sad to tell you that Xinxin won her wings of angel at 3:00pm this afternoon with the daddy and mommy holding her hands and grandparents beside her.
Please pray that she will continue to be brave because tonight will be her first night without mommy staying beside as we can not bring her home. Pray that she will not be scared.
Thank you very much. I will write more soon as I am too sad.We are missing her already.
Thank all those who emailed us and helped us.
Please pray that she will continue to be brave because tonight will be her first night without mommy staying beside as we can not bring her home. Pray that she will not be scared.
Thank you very much. I will write more soon as I am too sad.We are missing her already.
Thank all those who emailed us and helped us.
Jan 9th,2008 Friday
CCF specialist Zen guniang invited one patient's father--Mr. Xie to pray for us in the ward. I am very thankful that Mr.Xie can share with me his feeling at this time. After talking with them, I felt very peaceful in mind.
Xinxin said one most touching word--Mummy,别担心我(don't worry about me) in the morning and held my hand,All the adults who witness this had tears in their eyes.
Our hearts are broken.She also sent one card to her daddy with the word"I will pray for you"--which is very rare, because she never sends card to the daddy before.
She had a good time with us--Sister Zen and Sister Tian.
The doctor started Dormicum for her in low dose-1.0 ml per hour.
Please pray less suffer for Xinxin.
Xinxin said one most touching word--Mummy,别担心我(don't worry about me) in the morning and held my hand,All the adults who witness this had tears in their eyes.
Our hearts are broken.She also sent one card to her daddy with the word"I will pray for you"--which is very rare, because she never sends card to the daddy before.
She had a good time with us--Sister Zen and Sister Tian.
The doctor started Dormicum for her in low dose-1.0 ml per hour.
Please pray less suffer for Xinxin.
Jan.8th,2008 Thursday
One of the NB mother told me that she is very sad. Yes, it's very sad of course but being sad cannot help the kids at all.She told me that she doesn't understand Christian because we seem not to care about our kids.
Whatever our believe is, we are the same as any parents.Nothing is worse for any parents seeing their kids have to face cancer. No parents will feel happy about the child's sickness especially cancer. Xinxin is the only child of us, how we want her to be healthy.
And God provides everything for us to do the advanced treatment. What we can do is to thank Him and pray for Xinxin. And we are very blessed to know and to be closer to God through Xinxin's sickness.
So please continue to pray for Xinxin.
Xinxin is very alert today--without naps, and I have to play her favorite games the whole day as she is very tired herself. The pain doctor came to see us again and did some adjustment--decrease the morphine and increase one more patch. Even the nurse asked me why the Pain doctor is so nice to us because they don't see patients every day.What we can say is that we are very lucky with God's plan.
Dear friends, thank you very much for your always support and prayers. We are very thankful that we can stay with our daughter tonight on earth.Tomorrow will be another day...
Whatever our believe is, we are the same as any parents.Nothing is worse for any parents seeing their kids have to face cancer. No parents will feel happy about the child's sickness especially cancer. Xinxin is the only child of us, how we want her to be healthy.
And God provides everything for us to do the advanced treatment. What we can do is to thank Him and pray for Xinxin. And we are very blessed to know and to be closer to God through Xinxin's sickness.
So please continue to pray for Xinxin.
Xinxin is very alert today--without naps, and I have to play her favorite games the whole day as she is very tired herself. The pain doctor came to see us again and did some adjustment--decrease the morphine and increase one more patch. Even the nurse asked me why the Pain doctor is so nice to us because they don't see patients every day.What we can say is that we are very lucky with God's plan.
Dear friends, thank you very much for your always support and prayers. We are very thankful that we can stay with our daughter tonight on earth.Tomorrow will be another day...
Jan7th, 2008 Wednesday
As parents, we are very sad to see our precious girl suffer and sometimes we wish it were a dream. We REALLY want to have her with us for ever. And we thank God for guiding us to do the best treatment and we will not regret for whatever the finial result will be because we tried the best we can and Xinxin is also fighting very hard with NB.
As our friend Jennifer mentioned in the comment that it is worth moving to HK for the further treatment.Definitely it is worthy .We would never know the result if we don't try more treatment which might help her. But as long as we tried everything, we won't regret. We will regret the rest of our life if we don't try everything we can provide for her, because God never asks us to give up and HE knows the best.
So we are prepared for any results of this fight although we want our sweetie to stay with us so much.
Xinxin is doing fine but she doesn't want the tube, so they started TPN for her today. But the needle is still on her hand as they wanted to put a whole new set of TPN, morphine and Ketamine together tomorrow.
Please continue to pray for Xinxin.
As our friend Jennifer mentioned in the comment that it is worth moving to HK for the further treatment.Definitely it is worthy .We would never know the result if we don't try more treatment which might help her. But as long as we tried everything, we won't regret. We will regret the rest of our life if we don't try everything we can provide for her, because God never asks us to give up and HE knows the best.
So we are prepared for any results of this fight although we want our sweetie to stay with us so much.
Xinxin is doing fine but she doesn't want the tube, so they started TPN for her today. But the needle is still on her hand as they wanted to put a whole new set of TPN, morphine and Ketamine together tomorrow.
Please continue to pray for Xinxin.
Jan.6th, 2008 Tuesday
In the past few weeks I was being very sad by hearing a NB kid relapsed who we met in Singapore.The parents are quite nice and they gave us a lot positive attitude during our treatment in Singapore.But when finally they told me that they are not going to do any treatment, I was rather shocked. After talking with them a few times, I guess this is the best choice they can do for their beloved child.
There are no adequate words, just sending prayers and love to the child and the family.
As for us, we are very grateful that we are receiving the best treatment--the three head doctors--Dr. Chiang, Dr. Chan,and Dr. Ha came to see Xinxin and talk with the pain doctor. Finally they add one drug called Ketamine to her by IV in low dose.
Praise the Lord that the blood culture result came back to be negative.
So that means Xinxin can use her own hands to do Art and Craft and play computer games tomorrow.
Xinxin was very fussy when hearing about the tube feeding for her. So I need to talk with her tomorrow again to see if she will accept the tube from her nose to her stomach, which sounds terrible, but doesn't hurt much as the doctors and nurses said..
But anyway she had a great time with her favorite CCF staff --Sister Tian.Here I want to thank her as she also prays for Xinxin as well as playing games and gave her a lot of surprises.
Yes, unfortunately we have to face cancer,but we are are really lucky to have so many angels around us everywhere
Every single one meant so much to us and truly touched our hearts.
Thank yo very much, and pleas continue to pray for Xinxin.
There are no adequate words, just sending prayers and love to the child and the family.
As for us, we are very grateful that we are receiving the best treatment--the three head doctors--Dr. Chiang, Dr. Chan,and Dr. Ha came to see Xinxin and talk with the pain doctor. Finally they add one drug called Ketamine to her by IV in low dose.
Praise the Lord that the blood culture result came back to be negative.
So that means Xinxin can use her own hands to do Art and Craft and play computer games tomorrow.
Xinxin was very fussy when hearing about the tube feeding for her. So I need to talk with her tomorrow again to see if she will accept the tube from her nose to her stomach, which sounds terrible, but doesn't hurt much as the doctors and nurses said..
But anyway she had a great time with her favorite CCF staff --Sister Tian.Here I want to thank her as she also prays for Xinxin as well as playing games and gave her a lot of surprises.
Yes, unfortunately we have to face cancer,but we are are really lucky to have so many angels around us everywhere
Every single one meant so much to us and truly touched our hearts.
Thank yo very much, and pleas continue to pray for Xinxin.
Jan.5th, 2008 Monday
Thank you dear friends for your prayers and your concern.;
Xinxin is doing fine-she looks comfortable as the doctor said, but she is very tired and was sleeping the whole afternoon. So she couldn't play with her favourite CCF staff in the afternoon, which disappointed her a lot.
The base line of the morphine is cutting down from 2 ml to 1.5 ml per hour by Dr. Chiang as he noticed that we seldom press the PCA . And the pain doctors also agrees with Dr. Chiang. It's really nice to know all these doctors are working together for the pain control.
Xinxin's blood count is good but we are still waiting for the result of blood culture.
I want to thank one nurse in QMH here as she brought me some home cooked soup. It's really nice of the nurse to be so concern.
Please continue to pray for Xinxin. Thank you.
Xinxin is doing fine-she looks comfortable as the doctor said, but she is very tired and was sleeping the whole afternoon. So she couldn't play with her favourite CCF staff in the afternoon, which disappointed her a lot.
The base line of the morphine is cutting down from 2 ml to 1.5 ml per hour by Dr. Chiang as he noticed that we seldom press the PCA . And the pain doctors also agrees with Dr. Chiang. It's really nice to know all these doctors are working together for the pain control.
Xinxin's blood count is good but we are still waiting for the result of blood culture.
I want to thank one nurse in QMH here as she brought me some home cooked soup. It's really nice of the nurse to be so concern.
Please continue to pray for Xinxin. Thank you.
Jan 4th,2008 Sunday
Thank God that we had a great weekend as a family in the ward. Xinxin is doing fine. She was sleeping very well during the night and can enjoy her favorite games played by the daddy as her right hand still has needle on because of the peripheral line.Today they took her blood for blood culture--need to wait for the result to come out.
I read Xinxin a story book in the afternoon in English--it's amazing that she still remembers all the English she has learned.
Please continue to to pray for Xinxin.
Please also pray that I have the courage to talk God with one of the parents whose kid failed twice of Bone Marrow Transplant and seems to be very helpless. I tried to talk with the mother, but we can not communicate every well with each other as I don't speak Cantonese which is the only language she can speak .It's really hard for parents at this difficult time especially for those without God's guidance.But anyway make sure to say a prayer for the kid who is the only child in the family and the same age as Xinxin.
Thank you very much.
I read Xinxin a story book in the afternoon in English--it's amazing that she still remembers all the English she has learned.
Please continue to to pray for Xinxin.
Please also pray that I have the courage to talk God with one of the parents whose kid failed twice of Bone Marrow Transplant and seems to be very helpless. I tried to talk with the mother, but we can not communicate every well with each other as I don't speak Cantonese which is the only language she can speak .It's really hard for parents at this difficult time especially for those without God's guidance.But anyway make sure to say a prayer for the kid who is the only child in the family and the same age as Xinxin.
Thank you very much.
Jan.3rd, 2009 Saturday
Xinxin is doing fine today with only One time of pressing the pain machine--PCA, which means her pain is under control.Thank you all for your prayers. Please continue to pray for us.
Jan.2nd,2008 Friday
Xinxin is doing fine today. She slept very well last night and me too. She played the computer games the whole day without a nap and is sleeping sweetly now with both the daddy and mommy beside her. The patches are really working very well with less side effect.
Actually the doctor wanted to cut down the base line of the morphine, but we are too scared of the pain, so it's still 2ml per hour.
The bolus is still 1.5ml for the PCA machine. But we didn't press that much today as she is not in much pain. And we are planning a trip to Ocean park which is near Queen Mary Hospital for Xinxin if she is still feeling well next week.Please pray for that.
The blood culture result showed still positive. So we are still using the the Peripheral line for morphine and platelets and so on. And the portacath is only for antibiotics. They will check the blood again next week.
Please continue to pray for Xinxin and thank you for your concern and help.
Actually the doctor wanted to cut down the base line of the morphine, but we are too scared of the pain, so it's still 2ml per hour.
The bolus is still 1.5ml for the PCA machine. But we didn't press that much today as she is not in much pain. And we are planning a trip to Ocean park which is near Queen Mary Hospital for Xinxin if she is still feeling well next week.Please pray for that.
The blood culture result showed still positive. So we are still using the the Peripheral line for morphine and platelets and so on. And the portacath is only for antibiotics. They will check the blood again next week.
Please continue to pray for Xinxin and thank you for your concern and help.
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