May 12th,2009 Tuesday

A few days ago I got an email from my friend--Bob.I have known Bob and his wife many years ago.My Xinxin's English name--Anna was named after one of his daughters.He is a very good person.He thought it was quite strange that my husband is in HK and why I am here in mainland for so long.

I guess he asked the questions many people wanted to to know.

After Xinxin's passing, I lost the purpose of life. I followed my parents to my hometown to get some rest.
In the past few months, I was always thinking whether I should go back to the school I had been worked before I left for Singapore as my principal still keeps my name as the teacher in school. It's really hard to make the decision--my school is a keen government school in the province and it's not easy to keep the name for so long, but then I have to stay away from my husband.

I couldn't get to sleep until very late everyday last month--thinking of Xinxin. suffering in such a young age of my daughter always made me in tears. I never share my sad feelings with my parents,nor do them.

My husband calls everyday to ask when I will go back to HongKong. After getting Bob's email, I suddenly realized that I'd better go back to stay with my husband. It's easier to talk about my feelings in person than the phone.
So I decide not to work here so far and go back to HongKong soon.

May 4th,2009 Monday

Sorry for not being able to update for two weeks. I had been sick again. Nothing serious, but this time, I didn't go to hospital although it's only five minutes' walk. The first few days when I came back home, I had a cold and went to the hospital, the doctors asked me to do a few blood tests and X-ray for the chest. Before the blood test results came out, they wanted me to have strong antibiotics, because it will cover whatever results. I don't understand why they still need me to do the blood test. And for the X-ray, they never asked whether I was pregnant.(Maybe they think I am not so young). So this time, I just stay at home, and waited and waited until I am getting better and better. Actually I was quite healthy, I seldom go to see doctors. During Xinxin's one year treatment, I only went to see the doctors for my breast as I suddenly found a lump. I was quite scared for a time. Thanks God--an ultra sound showed nothing serious. A few weeks ago,one NB mommy email me to tell me that she also had a lump. It reminded me that I forgot the appointment to see the doctor again. But the amazing thing is that I couldn't feel it any more.

Staying at home for two weeks, I went out for dinner with friends. I realised sweater is not suitable for the weather --my friends are wearing skirt and T-shirt.But I don't feel warm or hot. Chatting with friends are relaxing. Women's topics are families,eating and dressing. One friend told me her son's Iron level is always low( in China it's quite common to check the Mineral level like Zinc,Calcium and Iron). I wanted to tell her that she must be careful because Xinxin's Iron level is always low from baby although Xinxin is always eating very well. Xinxin's appetite is very good,she had enough meet, enough green vegetables and enough fruits, but don't know why. The doctor said that she was born to be HUGE(4+kg), so she needs more nutrition than the normal baby. Sometimes, we trust the doctors, but sometimes, I don't.