It's goodbye from me Jan 27th, 2010

Saying goodbye is never easy. In the past few years, I said goodbye to for a lot of times. In the year 2006, I said goodbye to my friends and relatives in China to come to Singapore. In 2007, I said goodbye to my boss as my daughter is diagnosed with cancer. In 2008, I said goodbye to friends in Singapore as we have to go to HK for treatment for my daughter. In 2009, my daughter said goodbye for us forever. However, the time has now come to say goodbye to you, and again I don't find it easy. I have been with you here for over 2 years so, fortunately I get a lot of support from here and it will seem strange not writing to you once a while. That doesn't mean I'll forget you. How could I?

I shall certainly miss the supportive friends.My husband and I are so thankful for all the love and support. No words can be said to tell you all how thankful and appreciative we are!

Thank you for taking the time to see what life is like for a child with cancer.

My decision to stop writing was hard. But the time has come. Goodbye, God bless you and thank you for all your friendship.

Jan 10th,2010 Sunday

We are back to Singapore. Everything is familiar and also new. We know the ways very well, but we saw new faces around us(some Young kids get taller and bigger)

Xinxin passed away one year ago,but it seems yesterday. Time doesn't make our pain any less. We miss her so much and the pain of lost a child is beyond any body's imagination. We understand the fact she is not here, but we can't control our feelings. During the whole year, we struggled every single day. Sometimes we still questioned ourselves whys without answers except sadness.

I got the following letter early this morning. It's very thoughtful of my friend Emily to remind us that Xinxin is in a better place and in better hands, and it is also very nice of her to encourage us as she does always.

Dear Joy,
God knows your pain and burden especially on this day as we remember Xin Xin. Even though she might have left us in great pain and suffering, but she is now happy, healthy and safe with God in heaven. It is a better place than Earth and soon, we will join her there! Pray to God to release your guilt. Remember when Jesus die, he went through great pain and suffering too. Think of Xin Xin, think of the good times. I can still remember her voice as she spoke when she was in my car. Although the time is short, we enjoyed spending time with her and your family.

Cast your burden onto Lord! He knows your pain and suffering as He had felt the same when he see Jesus being tortured and suffered in the hands of man.

Dear Lord, our heavenly father, we thank you for this day. We thank you that Xin Xin is now with you. Although we miss her dearly, we know she is in your good hands, smiling and playing happily with your children, with no more pains and suffering due to illness. God, please lift away our burden, guilt and deep sorrow that we are still having everytime we think of Xin Xin. You know our pain, please ease them. Give us peace and the courage to remember Xin Xin in her most beautiful moments. God, please continue to watch over your little girl until we meet again in heaven. Guide us as we are back in Singapore to start a new life together. God has mercy and let us learn to trust in your guidance and divine plan. We know you only have the best plans for us. In Jesus name we pray, Amen.

Happy New year

I had the best days of the year while my friend Yanqiong was here last week. It reminded me of my university days--nothing to worry about.We went out together, shopping and chatting. We also went to Disneyland. It's such a pity that Xinxin was not with us.Before she came, I was kind of worried that she might ask me questions about Xinxin. I think she understand my feelings. Both of us never mention about the pain. We talked about futures, jobs, studies... I enjoyed a lot. Friendship is a gift from God and I treasure it.

We will be back to Singapore next week. It's not so excited as we are afraid to face our friends in Singapore. Most friends already know the sad situation of us, but none of our neighbours knows.They will probably ask... And I know friends will also come and chat. It's going to be hard for us... We get used to the life here--pretend nothing happened every day. We will miss HK. Anyway it always good to have friends at any time.

I want to thank everyone for your help and prayers.Wish everyone a blessed New year.

Dec.7th,2009 Monday

It has been a Very long month for us.
The weather suddenly turned into winter. I had fever for a few days(don't know if it is H1N1 because too many H1N1, and the clinic has no time to do the test, only have to isolate at home). My students have mid-term examinations. Two colleagues of my husband's died. Both of them are in their 30s. One is because of H1N1, the other one is because of cancer. It's quite shocked for us to know the bad news.We did have a hard time to recover from the news. I didn't go with my husband for their funerals as I had no courage to see them..We are still struggling very hard about our lost. I can't bear any more.

It's December already and we have to book the ticket to Singapore.Xinxin's ashes will go back with us(till today I still didn't have the courage to open and see the real ashes). We actually don't know if it is a good choice to go back because we started loving HK already. It's strange that people only realize how good it is when we lost it. I don't want to go back--- Too many things to pack. My friend Yanqiong is coming to HK next week and she will help us to bring some of the stuff to Singapore first.Every time, God will send His angel to help us

30th, October, 2009 Friday

Life is still going on....

I really enjoy my job and I have more and more students. A few parents called to thank me because they think their children's English and Mandarin is improving. You know the most enjoyable thing to be a teacher is to see the students improve. It is always so nice to see my students grow.

My husband is also working very hard as usual. He went back to his home town last week. He had a great time with his families and relatives--I can tell from his photos taken.

The weather is getting cool and it's just nice--Not hot and not cold. We like it. And this is what we like the best in HK. The weather in October is just prefect.

I still burst into tears when people talk about my daughter. I just couldn't help thinking of my lovely and precious Xinxin. Lord, please take care of my young aged Xinxin.She deserves a good and happy life.

Oct.6th,2009 Tuesday

It's Xinxin's birthday today. She is five years old.

My husband and I pretend nothing happened to us. He went to work in the morning. But I know that both of us just don't want to mention the sad thing once again.

Now our life seems to get back to Normal. He works on the weekdays and I teach kids every day.Both of us are doing the things we enjoy. We go out when we have time. It seems we are having really good time--strangers won't tell from our faces about what has happened to us. I don't really know what is my husband's feeling as he seldom talks about the sad things. Whenever I mentioned about our daughter, he would talk about other things. It's quite hard to understand what is really going on in his mind. But he mentioned a few times that he loves kids more than ever now.

My feelings are always on my face. Whenever I see a girl my daughter's age, I couldn't help thinking of Xinxin. Why she couldn't have a happy childhood like any other kids?
I cried when I heard about the sad news of other kids. I always think about my daughter. She is such a lovely and good kid I have ever seen.
My daughter is the most precious gift we have. We love her forever and we miss her...

Sep 11th,2009 Friday

We did have a bad time on the day Xinxin's ashes came back. I had a good cry and finally my husband keeps the ashes in our suitcase so I will not cry every day. So Xinxin's ashes will stay with us before we decide where to keep. It's always very sad to think about the bad days she went through.

We are the parents no one want to be. In English there is no word for parents who lost their kids. They have the words orphan--for children who lost their parents, widow--for wives who lost their husband and I know there is also a word for those husbands who lost their wives. We even don't have a name. That's right, who want to lost their kids? No One.

From the beginning of September, I got a few job offers. But because I am teaching students at home now, and I am happy being the way I am doing, so right now we just want to keep the situation as it is. Anyway it's really excited to know that someone who wants to hire me as a teacher here in HK.

August 18th,2009 Tuesday

Xinxin's ashes are coming home today.It has been very sad to think about it. I couldn't focus on any thing the whole day yesterday.Well, I wasn't really doing anything actually, but I just don't know what to do. I was looking for things the whole day because I didn't remember where I put everything. The brain has stopped working.
It has been 7 months since Xinxin's passing, but it seems to be yesterday to me. Everything I can recall clearly, her weak face, her voice and her words...... I cried and cried.... My husband also came back home earlier. He just sat beside me and no words between us during dinner time. It's going to be a hard day for both of us......

August 10th, 2009 Monday

I am going to stop looking for a job, because I don't speak Cantonese at all.And I only want to be a teacher,because I don't know other things except teaching.I had four interviews.All are teaching positions. All the bosses are quite shocked that I don't speak Cantonese.Because people who speak good Mandarin like me usually come from mainland China and married to a HK citizen. Those who married to HK can only come to HK after at least five years marriage. And people in HK usually don't speak Mandarin.After five years' marriage, the wives usually can manage Cantonese.

During the interviews, the boss all asked me if I had a kid. When the first boss asked, I answered I had one daughter, but she passed away. Then she answered :" I don't care about your daughter's passing" I guess she meant I didn't mind. In Chinese the two words " mind" and "care" have the same explanation. Anyway she was mad with me because I talked with her India teacher while waiting for her to interview me. She told me not to talk to anyone except to the boss , because that India teacher was resigned by her already. Well I asked her what I should say when people talk to me. -you should ask them " who are you? are you the boss?"

The second interview, the boss was sorry to hear my daughter's passing.He wanted me to teach Mandarin. English and Maths. Well, I was very good at maths when I was in school and Maths is my favourite and best subject. But I have never taught maths.And more importantly, I can't speak the language.

For the last two interviews, I just told them that I don' t have a baby at the moment to make it easier. Probably they just want to know if I have to take care of the baby at home, then won't focus on the job. And these two jobs turn into part time jobs as the English Grammar teacher when they realized that I couldn't speak Cantonese after meeting me.

And I actually had another interview, but my husband asked me not to go as it is quite far from home and they emailed me o tell me the time and place for interview, but without the name of the company.

So I still have no jobs and probably won't find one. I feel like giving up.

July 30th, 2009 Thursday

Please read the following words sent by my friend-Emily.I read it many times, and it makes me really think and it surely brings me closer to God.

I asked God to take away my bad habit.

God said, No.

It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.
God said, No.
His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary

I asked God to grant me patience.
God said, No.
Patience is a byproduct of tribulations;
it isn't granted, it is learned.

I asked God to give me happiness.
God said, No.
I give you blessings; Happiness is up to you.

I asked God to spare me pain.
God said, No.
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares
and brings you closer to me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said, No.
You must grow on your own,
but I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life.
God said, No.
I will give you life,
so that you may enjoy all things.

I asked God to help me LOVE others,
as much as He loves me.
God said.......Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.


To the world you might be one person,
But to one person you just might be the world

May the Lord Bless you and keep you,
May the Lord Make his face shine upon you,
And give you Peace......Forever












July 24th, 2009 Friday

I guess we all know that having good health is more important than anything else.But when we have the healthy body, we never feel so lucky and always tries hard to grasp those not so important things compared to health.And I did really understand it at the day when my daughter was diagnosed with cancer.Facing death for my loved daughter, I started to view life differently.

I used to think that I was still young and death is far far away. But who can guarantee himself to be alive tomorrow? If we know that we are dying sooner or later, can we live our lives here more meaningfully and abundantly?

It's really very hard for us in the secular society. I often hear people say that they will serve God after they grow old and when they have nothing to do after their retirement. As for me, I always told myself that how much I would donate to the sick when I get a job.But we never think about the fact that we may not have the chance or when the time comes, we forget our promises already.

Through Xinxin's cancer treatment, we have experienced the great love from God.In the past few months,when I heard that a single mother was asking people to raise half a million Singapore dollars (thanks to God, they made it) to help her girl to do 3F8 treatment in USA. Except feeling sorry for the family, I was very thankful that God prepared everything for my daughter--Xinxin got the 3F8 in HK. And stay with both parents beside her and love her.
There are times that I couldn't bear seeing my daughter's poor situation. God always sent his angels and his words to encourage me and to help me. Reading the words from Bible gives me a lot of strength. God is always with us. Without Him, we couldn't go so far--my daughter received the best treatment in the world when we don't even have enough money to start the treatment. Yes, Xinxin died. and we are still very sad. But I will regret for the rest of my life if we didn't bring her to try the best treatment. I should say that it is God who provides all the things(All parents want their kid to have the best treatment, but not all can get it).
Things will be very different for those parents who did the treatments and those who gave up. And the parents' feelings will definitely not be the same, when the child died at the end.

People born in China like us seldom have the chance to experience God's glory. But we did touch God's true love and glory, unfortunately through my daughter's cancer treatment, how I wish it could from other things.
But we should always remember to pass the love on and tell people how great God is. So friends, please always remind me to stand firm in my faith. And let's encourage each other to live the fullest every day--to give more and to forgive more because it might be the last day for us in the world.

July 9th,2009 Thursday

I am still looking for a job, but not have one yet. It seems that finding a suitable job is quite hard here in HK.

Xinxin's ashes are still not back home yet. My husband didn't like the container they put her ashes in --because it's quite heavy, not easy for us bring back to Singapore. Talking about the ashes, my tears can't help coming out by itself.One cancer petient' s mother told me that they actually are small pieces of bones. I don't think I have the courage to see them. It's horrible to even think about it. We will keep them at home first.

My husband asked me to stop writing Bog as it always remind me the bad days my daughter had. I don't know if I should continue--as I know some friends are still reading it as a habit already and I can only express my real feelings here although my English is really limited. Whenever I start to write about the Blog, Xinxin's image is still clearly in my mind--she is smiling at me. Her sweet smile and pretty face is so nice that I want to hug her tightly.

My sweet heart: are you having a happy life there? You are the one to remind me every morning how lucky we are to be healthy and still alive.You are the one to teach me to be strong and brave. and you are the special one in my heart that no one can replace.

July 2nd, 2009 Thursday

Thank you all very much for the emails and concerns, and I am sorry that I couldn't update ---The home computer had a problem and the laptop also didn't work well.

I got back to HK on June 28th finally.Actually, I had planned to go to HK on June 13th.On June 12th, My husband called me to tell that he had a business trip to Singapore and he wanted me to came after he came back.

So far, I only have planned to look for jobs in HongKong first.I am trying to write my resume and hopefully I can start to send it out by tonight or tomorrow. I am not confident because I don't understand Cantonese at all and it is a must to find a job here.But anyway I will try.

I have been praying for a kid who was the same age as my daughter. He was diagnosed in KKH two years ago with brain tumor. We have never met him before, or we might meet in KKH before, but we didn't know each other.My friend,Emily, sent the prayer request. And his situation was not good.His heart rate was 200 weeks ago.
Please pray for this poor boy and his family.

I recall the time when Xinxin's heart rate was 200+ in her last day. She was very very uncomfortable but she couldn't talk. I guess she was very painful. For a few times, her heart rate was 0 and went back to be very fast again, then to be lower and lower until no more. And she was bleeding--the blood came from her nose and mouth.The special nurse had to stay beside her to help to clean during her last few hours. We are very thankful that Dr. Chiang in QMH ordered a few bags' platelets for her instead of keeping it for other kids--as some think it is a waist for a dying kid, because anyway she was dying soon.

As for the parents, I had an extraordinary hard time--contradiction. Seeing my own kid dying in such a young age and suffered so much, I wished that she could die in a minute, but in my mind I wanted to see a miracle. The reason that I am so sad till now is because that I saw her pain and stayed beside her but I couldn't do anything and was so helpless. She couldn't talk, but she pointed to her tummy. I know she wanted me to do something for her, I can only cheat her to say that she was going to be healed soon. As a mother, I couldn't do anything to help my girl and protect her when she put all her trust in me.

Some friends told me to have another baby soon as they saw those who lost their children in the earthquake last year already have babies this year. But for me, it is impossible to walk out so fast because the pain of losing my kid is much harder than we imagine.I have had to watch her suffer beyond words. My heart is still torn by the loss of child I have loved as much. Their children lost life in a few minutes or hours and without all these parents beside them. What is a mother's feeling seeing her girl crying for a few months to tell that she was in pain and no medication can help? It's really hard. And it is hard to share this feeling with anyone, even with my husband. My husband tries not talk about it although for a few times he told me that he had dreams of Xinxin.Maybe he is also very sad, I don't know..

For Xinxin's ashes, we made an agreement--to bring back and put at home first and it will stay with us wherever we go or wherever we stay. This coming weekend, we will meet our CCF nurse specialist and ask her to help us to call to make arrangement.(we don't speak Cantonese)

Thank you all again for your concerns and helps.

May 12th,2009 Tuesday

A few days ago I got an email from my friend--Bob.I have known Bob and his wife many years ago.My Xinxin's English name--Anna was named after one of his daughters.He is a very good person.He thought it was quite strange that my husband is in HK and why I am here in mainland for so long.

I guess he asked the questions many people wanted to to know.

After Xinxin's passing, I lost the purpose of life. I followed my parents to my hometown to get some rest.
In the past few months, I was always thinking whether I should go back to the school I had been worked before I left for Singapore as my principal still keeps my name as the teacher in school. It's really hard to make the decision--my school is a keen government school in the province and it's not easy to keep the name for so long, but then I have to stay away from my husband.

I couldn't get to sleep until very late everyday last month--thinking of Xinxin. suffering in such a young age of my daughter always made me in tears. I never share my sad feelings with my parents,nor do them.

My husband calls everyday to ask when I will go back to HongKong. After getting Bob's email, I suddenly realized that I'd better go back to stay with my husband. It's easier to talk about my feelings in person than the phone.
So I decide not to work here so far and go back to HongKong soon.

May 4th,2009 Monday

Sorry for not being able to update for two weeks. I had been sick again. Nothing serious, but this time, I didn't go to hospital although it's only five minutes' walk. The first few days when I came back home, I had a cold and went to the hospital, the doctors asked me to do a few blood tests and X-ray for the chest. Before the blood test results came out, they wanted me to have strong antibiotics, because it will cover whatever results. I don't understand why they still need me to do the blood test. And for the X-ray, they never asked whether I was pregnant.(Maybe they think I am not so young). So this time, I just stay at home, and waited and waited until I am getting better and better. Actually I was quite healthy, I seldom go to see doctors. During Xinxin's one year treatment, I only went to see the doctors for my breast as I suddenly found a lump. I was quite scared for a time. Thanks God--an ultra sound showed nothing serious. A few weeks ago,one NB mommy email me to tell me that she also had a lump. It reminded me that I forgot the appointment to see the doctor again. But the amazing thing is that I couldn't feel it any more.

Staying at home for two weeks, I went out for dinner with friends. I realised sweater is not suitable for the weather --my friends are wearing skirt and T-shirt.But I don't feel warm or hot. Chatting with friends are relaxing. Women's topics are families,eating and dressing. One friend told me her son's Iron level is always low( in China it's quite common to check the Mineral level like Zinc,Calcium and Iron). I wanted to tell her that she must be careful because Xinxin's Iron level is always low from baby although Xinxin is always eating very well. Xinxin's appetite is very good,she had enough meet, enough green vegetables and enough fruits, but don't know why. The doctor said that she was born to be HUGE(4+kg), so she needs more nutrition than the normal baby. Sometimes, we trust the doctors, but sometimes, I don't.

April 18th,2009 Saturday

During Xinxin's treatment, we are very fortunate to find two NB family group.
One is an international one--parents,relatives of NB and even including some doctors and volunteers.In this group, there are families who win the battle, who are doing treatment, who are you fighting the relapsed beast and who have lost their dear kids like us. You can find answers to any questions you can think of very fast and effectively because there are thousands of parents there, yes I forgot to mention about the patients--some long time survivor are as old as my age or even older.
The other group is made up of all the NB parents in China who are doing treatment. It's quite different, this group, I am the only one who lost the kid. Because parents will quit and never appear in this group once they lost the battle or give up treating.There are quite a number of kids were given up because of various reasons in China which I seldom see in other countries. I guess it must be very painful for the parents to make the decision.

I had a very busy day talking with NB parents in China through net.We were discussing why our kids have NB the whole day. Mainly they believe two reasons--genes and medication from abortion before the NB kid. I don't agree with either one. As for as I know,nobody had cancer in my husband and my family. Xinxin is our first and very precious baby. Of course every kid is precious of the parents, but to us, Xinxin is really precious, because my husband's blood type and mine will cause some problem if we try to have more later. I don't know what exactly problem it will be because at that time I never thought I would have more than one as China's family plan--one couple one kid.

We are still asking Whys and Hows, and my husband tells me that he would do research in childhood research if time could go back to ten years ago. I always laugh at him" who do you think you are? Can find a cure for NB?" "At least we could diagnose her earlier" Yes, what if Xinxin could be diagnosed earlier? Who knows? Time definitely cannot go back, we have to look forward,but we just can't help thinking...

April 13th,2009 Monday

There were two pictures in my brain every night when I lie on the bed. One is the picture my husband carried Xinxin in KKH with my father beside them.They were waiting me to come back from work. It was the first time in KKH before she was diagnosed with NB. Xinxin looked very pale and tired, but she was very happy to see me.

The other one is that Xinxin was sitting on the legs of an old man. It appeared one week ago when I was brushing my teeth before sleep. I tried to see how the man looked like, but I couldn't, I only remember clearly that the man is in white. I tried very hard to figure out what message it means.

Here is a nice sharing from my friend Jinyuan. Please read it and hope it helps you when you meet something frustrating. It does help me.

Have you ever observed the behaviour of birds in the face of adversity?

For days and days they make their nests, sometimes gathering materials brought from far away

And when they have completed the nest and are ready to

lay eggs, the weather, or the work of humans, or some

animal, destroys it, and it falls to the ground, all that they

have done with so much effort

Do they stop ?

Bewildered, and leave the work ?

No way. They start over building the nest again and again

until they have eggs in the nest again.

Sometimes,and very often before the chicks are are hatched, an animal, a child, or a storm destroys the nest once again, but this time with its valuable contents.

It hurts to go back to begin again… Even so, the birds do not ever stop, they continue to sing and build, and keep singing and building…..

Do you sometimes get the feeling that your life, your work, your family is not what you had dreamed. Do you sometimes want to say “enough”, the effort is not worthwhile. It is all too much for me!

Are you tired of it all? Do you feel that the daily struggle is a waste of time, your trust has been betrayed, your goals not reached just as you were about to get them?

Life strikes you down sometimes, but do you go on, say a

prayer, put your faith in hope, not darkness? Do not worry

if you get injured in the battle, that is to be expected. Gather

yourself together and rebuild your life,

so that it runs well again.

No matter what happens… Do not shrink back, but move forward. Life is a constant challenge, but it is worthwhile

to mostly accept it. And never stop singing

April 4th,2009 Saturday

Today is Tomb-sweeping Day in China. It is a public holiday for people to sweep the relatives' tombs-to burn some paper considered as the money for the dead. Usually on this day it rains,but not today since it rained a few days ago.But I still feel quite cold in the morning--wearing sweaters ad thick jacket still.

As Christian, I didn't burn any paper for my daughter, because I know she doesn't need it at all in heaven, and some more, she doesn't have a tomb yet.We keep Xinxin's ashes in HK now.As my husband's family think it's bad luck to bring it to his home (I can't understand why), and it's really hard to talk with them, we decided to keep Xinxin at our own home and bring her wherever we go later until the day my husband or I die, then we can be put together.

I got the picture of a coverlet for Xinxin with many friends' hands print on just now. It was sewn and put together by my friend--Anne from USA. It is very touching to have this gift. My friend Anne doesn't know any of this friends in Singapore, but she managed to contact my friend Emily in Singapore and sent all the materials to her. Then I guess Emily called and emailed some of my friends she also knows to do the hand prints and collected them and sent to Anne. The coverlet didn't reach to us as the friends had so much work to do, but I am sure Xinxin knows it and loves it. Thank you so much for taking your time to give us such a wonderful gift, I will keep it with me and bring it to her until the day I go to meet her again.

April 2nd,2009 Thursday

Last night, I couldn't fell asleep. I cried for a while, then I looked at Xinxin's photos and cried for more time. And yesterday for the first time I wrote a friend to tell her that I don't want to believe in God any more as He allows all these happened to a helpless kid. In the morning, I got an Email from another friend--Emily. Please read part of it:

Dear Joy,

I love Xinxin's baby photos. She's so cute. What Xinxin went through was a lot of pain and suffering but remember, her suffering is not in vain. She suffered for a good reason which sometimes we do not know. In her suffering, both herself and you got to know God. In her suffering, it might have planted a seed of Jesus in someone's heart whom we do not know. In her suffering, it drew your family closer and friends nearer too. It is not in vain and God will reward her greatly in heaven. It's just remind me like how Jesus suffered. Yes, he died for our sins but must he be tortired so badly and put through so much pain and shame and then he still die. but all these are for a purpose, to redeem us, to die for our sins. So what XinXin has gone through, it is for a purpose. It is very hard for a parent to bear and the helplessness.
Xin Xin is special and she is chosen. It is heartbreaking for us as parents no doubt but I suppose that's how Mary must have felt when Jesus died on the cross. Maybe God want us as parents to go through such suffering with our children and hence, we can be more compassionate to others in suffering and need of help.
Take care,


After reading the email, I feel guilty and it reminds me of the things that I almost forgot how God helps us during Xinxin's treatment. And it reminds me everything I should already learn from Xinxin's suffering.

Last year today(April 2nd,2008), Xinxin wake up every early in KKH without eating anything because I told her that she was going to have a "Check-Up". She looked quite brave and didn't complain anything.

We send her to the second floorof KKH at 8:00 am from the ward.

We met her like this at 9+pm in ICU. Our dear doctor--Mr.Chui Chanhon did his best to do the surgery for Xinxin.A lot of friends were praying for Xinxin and some friends came to KKH to stay with us on this day.
My husband and I couldn't help crying to SEE her call "mummy,carry me", because she cannot talk, we can only guess it from the shape of her mouth.

April 1st,2009 Wednesday

When Xinxin is alive, we always ask her whether she wanted a baby brother or baby sister. And she told us different answers every time. And I really wanted to let her have siblings as I know how lonely she was when she saw other kids have brothers or sisters to play with. This feeling is especially strong during Xinxin's treatment because I thought we would die before Xinxin and it's better to let her have siblings. But after Xinxin's passing, suddenly, I don't want to have baby anymore.

It's very scary to recall what Xinxin went through and how helpless we were when we saw Xinxin suffer but cannot do any thing to help her suffer any less.When she was in so much pain, I wanted to die for her..For a few times the doctor told me to get prepared, I told them that we had got prepared,but we didn't do anything,because I really don't know what to prepare when I know Xinxin was dying soon-to prepare not cry, or to prepare to be sad or I don't know. And what make things worse is that my husband was working most of the time when I am in the hospital with Xinxin, many times I have to face all these alone by myself--How to tell my parents to let them get prepared that their grand kid was dying. And many parents always say that I was strong, but I am not, I am not strong at all, no parents are strong enough to bear the loss of their kids especially after so many sufferings--she suffered because we thought she could be saved, but she suffered for nothing. Isn't it very painful when we recall all these which no kids should face at all.

I got the following emails from my friends-Nancy and Joe when I told them that I don't want to have baby any more. It's very nice of them to write the story and it's encouraging to read the story, but i am still VERY scared to only think about it.

Dear Joy,

You might be interested in this true story: About 56 years ago parents lost their daughter, age 4, to leukemia. The parents, like you, were devastated and the mother’s hair turned white. Later, they had more children. In 1989 the father, George H.W. Bush, became President of the United States. In 2000 one of their sons, George W. Bush, was also elected President of the United States. Later, another son, was elected Governor of the state of Florida.


Take care and keep well.

Love, Nancy & Joe Logan

March 28th,2008 Saturday

While I was thinking very hard how to refuse Xinxin's God parents' kind invitation, God has already made the decision for us.It has been raining for two days, so they have to put off the plan of their trip. Isn't God really nice?

One of my friends came to see me and cried loudly in front of me and my parents,which I don't really like.She cried because she cannot accept the fact that I lost my daughter. I never cry before my parents, because I know that they are also VERY VERY sad already, and I don't want to make them sadder. Always, I never talk about Xinxin's last few days with friends. And I try to talk some other things. I understand people's feeling, but sometimes it seems that some people don't understand our aching heart.

March 25th,2009 Wednesday

I keep myself at home at daytime and go to my God daughter's home to play with her every night. Xinxin's God parents invited me to go out with them this weekend for two days--they planned the trip special for me because then I can cry in the forest and to the sea. I don't want to disturb their feelings and make the trip not so enjoyable. But it's hard to refuse as they complained that I don't
take them as one family. I know they are trying to help me, but I am not ready now. In China, sometimes it's hard to refuse as it might hurt other people's feeling. Don't know how. I guess I should go with them or maybe should follow my heart.

I was weeping quietly when everyone is sleeping. But I still feel heart pain,I went to a park nearby alone and cried loudly yesterday for the first time after Xinxin's passing. It's good to let out. But my crying made people came around me to ask all kinds of questions.(if you have stayed in China, you can imagine the situation). I asked God to help me, a cleaner told me that God was not going to help only she can help me.(Don't know how people understands my words while I was crying as loudly as I can). And some people asked me to go to temples with them.
It's very hard to talk gospel here in China, so I just cried and cried until I was too tied. it really helped a lot.

March 23rd,2009 Monday

A friend sent this to me when Xinxin passed away. It always brings me into tears to read it because I know that Xinxin suffered for us. I hold it close to my heart everyday. It helps me to know that the place she is in now is so amazingly great she will never recall the pain she suffered while on earth. We are better people for having known him.

This friend's son--Max also suffered from Stage 4 Neuroblastoma. Please also pray his family as Max is playing with Xinxin now in heaven.

The Brave Little Soul

Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. He especially enjoyed the love he saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day he saw suffering in the world. He approached God and sadly asked, “Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?” God paused for a moment and replied, "Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people’s hearts.” The little soul was confused. “What do you mean,” he asked. God replied, “Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone.” The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, “The suffering soul unlocks the love in people’s hearts much like the sun and the rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this – it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer – to unlock this love – to create this miracle – for the good of all humanity."

Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain himself. With his wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied, "I am brave; let me go! I would like to go into the world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people’s hearts! I want to create that miracle!" God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you.” God and the brave little soul shared a smile, and then embraced.

In parting, God said, “Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed.” Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through his suffering and God’s strength, he unlocked the goodness and love in people’s hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys – some regained lost faith – many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened. God was pleased. – John Alessi

March 21st,2009 Saturday

I found these photos at home computer--isn't Xinxin very cute when she was a baby. Xinxin was 4kg+ when she was born and she was developing very well until she was diagnosed with NB. I still can't help asking myself why this must happy to my daughter and to my family.

Xinxin with Daddy and Mommy

Xinxin with mommy

Xinxin with grandpa

Baby Xinxin--18 days

Baby Xinxin---47 days

March 17th,2009 Tuesday

In the past few days, I went to Xinxin's God parents' home to see their daughter--my God daughter. The girl is the same age as Xinxin and she still remembers my daughter's name--she calls me Xinxin mommy as most kids here call me after two and a half years. We used to play together everyday before we moved to Singapore. Xinxin and the girl had a lot of great times. I brought the girl to the park that Xinxin and her used to play. I still have the photos that Xinxin plays in the park(but they are not taken by the digital camera). It always reminds me how nice if Xinxin were alive.

When night falls,and when I am alone, I cannot help crying for my lost--missing my Xinxin a lot. Almost all my friends and relatives ask me to have another baby soon and forget Xinxin. But how can I? Xinxin is not here but she is my little angel and she is going to be in my heart forever.

Thank you--my students

Some of my students came to see me yesterday. They bought me fruits and Flowers again(my students bought flowers to see me after I gave birth to Xinxin)

These students are now in the last year of their high school and,they will meet their College Entrance Exams within 90 days. And they are the students who tried their best last year to organize things to donate for my daughter. Aren't they very nice? During my daughter's treatment,we got a lot help from friends,but not from any relatives(except my family), my husband's brother called to tell us to give up instead of so called waisting money. Sometimes it's really hard to understand why the poor students have more hearts than our adult--they bought big apartments,some even have cars. I guess that's why God loves kids.

I want to thank all my students and friends and who gave us a lot of support during my daughter's treatment.

March,9th,2009 Monday

I have been to my hometown for two weeks and finally got the Internet today. I tried to keep myself at home as I had been stayed in this town for 15 years and had been in the same school for 11 years.(5 years for being a student and 6 years as a teacher). My school is only three minutes' walk from my home, so in the same community, almost everyone knows me and my family.But soon almost all our relatives and my friends came to my home to see me. It's really very nice of them to support us at this moment, but I just do not know how to share my feelings with them. Of course they don't want to see me cry again and again, so every time, I tried to keep quiet. Some of them invited to go to school to have lunch as our school has dining hall from this semester now. It's really hard for me to get into the school right now.

I really feel kind of lost now.I haven't get used to the life without my dearest daughter. The reason I came home is because my parents wanted me to get enough rest. So every day, my job is to eat more and sleep more, but unfortunately, I got sick at the third day and have been coughing for one week. But it's really very enjoying for being a daughter of my parents and a wife of my husband. My parents are really very nice to me---cook for me, wash my clothes for me and accompany to the hospital. My husband calls me a few times every day and we chat just like when we just met many years ago.

Feb.23rd,2009 Monday

I am going to mainland China with my parents tomorrow--Feb.24. When my husband booked the ticket we didn't realize how special the date is.
Suddenly, I realize that on Feb 24,2001 I got married with my husband at the age of 23.(you can figure out how old I am now) It's exactly 8 years since we have been married and 11 years since we have known each other.Time really flies. Everything seems just happened yesterday.

In the past month, I felt I got lost, I don't know what my life aim is. Every day, I seem to be very normal,but I cried almost every night.I cried when I heard the news of another kid fighting with cancer. I cried when I see people die. This is really the first time in my life that death is so near to me and it really broke my heart.
Some people told me that;"you are still young, when you get the second baby, you will forget your first one."
It seems they don't understand the feeling of losing a child.It's a feeling that no one wants to have and no parents should ever have . The pain of losing a child is so painful that I think HUGE is not big enough to describe it,especially when you recall the bad time your child had experienced. The pain is like a knife cutting the heart once a while and it never seems to stop.

I am writing my feeling here because I want all of you to treasure your life with your families if you are fortunately to be healthy. And please help those whose family is having a kid with cancer. You will never know their life. And I am very thankful that we are very lucky to have a lot of friends' help when we are unfortunately to have my daughter with cancer. Friends' help really make it very different--prayers,emails, messages, calls,gifts and financial support.
Thank you for all of your support in the past 14 months.


Last night, my heart is overwhelmed with sorrow,Actually, I wanted to call friends and I know a lot of my good fiends are willing to listen to me, but I am sorry that I don't know how to share the feeling of losing my preciouse kid. It's really hard.But God knows everything for sure. I cried and cried and my husband kept telling me that he is with me anyway. I weep before the Lord, and didn't know what to do. A friend who I knew only day before Xinxin's death called me.I started to cry when I answered the call,his son died 8 months ago because of cancer. He listened to me and shared with me his feeling for a long time. Isn't God nice enough to arange his angel to comfort me when I was in need.

After the call, there is one word kept in my mind,which we didn't mention during the call:
"我的恩典够用“--"My grace is sufficient."

Feb. 4th, 2008 Thinking of Xinxin

I planned to bring my husband to the park Xinxin and I used to play, which is only five minutes' walk,and my husband never had a chance to go with us. But we came to the sports ground instead.It was a very nice place for exercise, but my minds is with Xinxin. I was asking why this big world cannot allow a tiny tiny place for my daughter.
I really want to know how is Xinxin now.One friend told me that she is in a better place.I also told my parents that she is taken good care by God now. But deep in my mind, I can not really let go at all.
Who wants to die?No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. Everyone knows that heaven is a better place, but why do we still love to live here? Why do my kid only have a few years here?

And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. The only question us why MY kid must suffer all the pains most adults never experienced?

I talked to Xinxin a few times about death before her passing.Every time, she listened to me quietly and asked me a few questions like: will I get food there? But does she really understand what death meant?I don't know, maybe she knows, maybe not. I was so afraid that she would asked me to go with her together,because she asks me to stay with her every minute in her last few months.But she never asked me to go with her.
The last time talking about death was on the day before her last day, I ask crying because I knew I couldn't keep her here for long any more,Xinxin tried to hold my hands, but she was too weak to reach,but she told me clearly the most touchingly sentence:Mommy, don't worry about me.
I have promised her, but I really cannot make it. Xinxin asked me not to lie to her...

Feb.2nd,2009 Monday

I am sorry Xinxin that I couldn't save you.
This is the word we heard my father was talking to Xinxin on her Funeral. And today I read it on another NB's website. Tears can not help....It seems that every parent or grandparent are the same. When we see our kid or grand kid face death, we couldn't do anything and how we wish that we could be the one who is suffering...

It has been gone for just over three weeks now and it doesn’t seem real yet. My husband gets the habit to call me during the day time and the first word is:"how is Xinxin?" He asked the same questions and he answered by himself : you should be fine without Xinxin.

We try to keep ourselves somewhat busy during our Chinese New year holiday, but it doesn't make us miss her any less.
Xinxin came to his dream frequently, but only once to mine ---she was doing a scan without crying.
I asked Shuyuan what if Xinxin cannot recognise us or whether she will be same when we meet her again.

Hugs and kisses to my little Angel, we love you forever. Please continue the prayers.

I got a few phone calls from new NB family and it reminded me that the pain Xinxin had to go through.I recalled the time when Xinxin was diagnosed, I was angry with the doctors because they couldn't diagnosed earlier and I was mad at everyone who I met in the hospital.. It could be very difficult for these family.
My heart broke. I was reminded of the stress, the worry of having a child in cancer treatment. And the question why my kid is having cancer will be in the brain forever once for sure our kid had cancer .Every ache, every bruise, every complaint...Please continue to pray for all the children and their families who have cancer. There is no complete rest from the worry for them.

Missing XinXin

We miss xinxin a lot. It brought us tears to see her photos again and again.She brings us a lot of good time that we are missing a lot.

Jan25th, 2009

Dear friends,Thank you for your prayers, thought, concern and help.
Wish you a blessed Chinese New Year.
We miss Xinxin very much.

Thank you

Here are some photos of Xinxin's funeral. We were very sad of losing our daughter.But we are peaceful to know that she is happier in the paradise now without needles, vomiting or pain.

We had a very long memorial ceremony and there are more people as we expected and most of them are new to us except those 20 plus from Shuyuan's company and Xinxin's good friends--her Sister Tian and Sister Zen.
I want to thank all of those who attended the memorial ceremony and who encouraged us and who are helping us and praying for us.

I will post some of the photos as I will get the pictures and videos later at the weekend.

Thank you all for your concern.

Video to share

The following video was sent by my friend Chuck who I met in Xi'an in 2002. He knew Xinxin's situation by my friend Nancy and Joe.
The video is very touching and It is about a young boy who lived in western U.S. and felt a tremendous sorrow for a loss that was important to him in his life. He was able to deal with it through a religious experience and he shared this with people.