April 1st,2009 Wednesday

When Xinxin is alive, we always ask her whether she wanted a baby brother or baby sister. And she told us different answers every time. And I really wanted to let her have siblings as I know how lonely she was when she saw other kids have brothers or sisters to play with. This feeling is especially strong during Xinxin's treatment because I thought we would die before Xinxin and it's better to let her have siblings. But after Xinxin's passing, suddenly, I don't want to have baby anymore.

It's very scary to recall what Xinxin went through and how helpless we were when we saw Xinxin suffer but cannot do any thing to help her suffer any less.When she was in so much pain, I wanted to die for her..For a few times the doctor told me to get prepared, I told them that we had got prepared,but we didn't do anything,because I really don't know what to prepare when I know Xinxin was dying soon-to prepare not cry, or to prepare to be sad or I don't know. And what make things worse is that my husband was working most of the time when I am in the hospital with Xinxin, many times I have to face all these alone by myself--How to tell my parents to let them get prepared that their grand kid was dying. And many parents always say that I was strong, but I am not, I am not strong at all, no parents are strong enough to bear the loss of their kids especially after so many sufferings--she suffered because we thought she could be saved, but she suffered for nothing. Isn't it very painful when we recall all these which no kids should face at all.

I got the following emails from my friends-Nancy and Joe when I told them that I don't want to have baby any more. It's very nice of them to write the story and it's encouraging to read the story, but i am still VERY scared to only think about it.

Dear Joy,

You might be interested in this true story: About 56 years ago parents lost their daughter, age 4, to leukemia. The parents, like you, were devastated and the mother’s hair turned white. Later, they had more children. In 1989 the father, George H.W. Bush, became President of the United States. In 2000 one of their sons, George W. Bush, was also elected President of the United States. Later, another son, was elected Governor of the state of Florida.


Take care and keep well.

Love, Nancy & Joe Logan

March 28th,2008 Saturday

While I was thinking very hard how to refuse Xinxin's God parents' kind invitation, God has already made the decision for us.It has been raining for two days, so they have to put off the plan of their trip. Isn't God really nice?

One of my friends came to see me and cried loudly in front of me and my parents,which I don't really like.She cried because she cannot accept the fact that I lost my daughter. I never cry before my parents, because I know that they are also VERY VERY sad already, and I don't want to make them sadder. Always, I never talk about Xinxin's last few days with friends. And I try to talk some other things. I understand people's feeling, but sometimes it seems that some people don't understand our aching heart.

March 25th,2009 Wednesday

I keep myself at home at daytime and go to my God daughter's home to play with her every night. Xinxin's God parents invited me to go out with them this weekend for two days--they planned the trip special for me because then I can cry in the forest and to the sea. I don't want to disturb their feelings and make the trip not so enjoyable. But it's hard to refuse as they complained that I don't
take them as one family. I know they are trying to help me, but I am not ready now. In China, sometimes it's hard to refuse as it might hurt other people's feeling. Don't know how. I guess I should go with them or maybe should follow my heart.

I was weeping quietly when everyone is sleeping. But I still feel heart pain,I went to a park nearby alone and cried loudly yesterday for the first time after Xinxin's passing. It's good to let out. But my crying made people came around me to ask all kinds of questions.(if you have stayed in China, you can imagine the situation). I asked God to help me, a cleaner told me that God was not going to help only she can help me.(Don't know how people understands my words while I was crying as loudly as I can). And some people asked me to go to temples with them.
It's very hard to talk gospel here in China, so I just cried and cried until I was too tied. it really helped a lot.

March 23rd,2009 Monday

A friend sent this to me when Xinxin passed away. It always brings me into tears to read it because I know that Xinxin suffered for us. I hold it close to my heart everyday. It helps me to know that the place she is in now is so amazingly great she will never recall the pain she suffered while on earth. We are better people for having known him.

This friend's son--Max also suffered from Stage 4 Neuroblastoma. Please also pray his family as Max is playing with Xinxin now in heaven.

The Brave Little Soul

Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. He especially enjoyed the love he saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day he saw suffering in the world. He approached God and sadly asked, “Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?” God paused for a moment and replied, "Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people’s hearts.” The little soul was confused. “What do you mean,” he asked. God replied, “Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone.” The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, “The suffering soul unlocks the love in people’s hearts much like the sun and the rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this – it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer – to unlock this love – to create this miracle – for the good of all humanity."

Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain himself. With his wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied, "I am brave; let me go! I would like to go into the world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people’s hearts! I want to create that miracle!" God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you.” God and the brave little soul shared a smile, and then embraced.

In parting, God said, “Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed.” Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through his suffering and God’s strength, he unlocked the goodness and love in people’s hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys – some regained lost faith – many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened. God was pleased. – John Alessi

March 21st,2009 Saturday

I found these photos at home computer--isn't Xinxin very cute when she was a baby. Xinxin was 4kg+ when she was born and she was developing very well until she was diagnosed with NB. I still can't help asking myself why this must happy to my daughter and to my family.

Xinxin with Daddy and Mommy

Xinxin with mommy

Xinxin with grandpa

Baby Xinxin--18 days

Baby Xinxin---47 days

March 17th,2009 Tuesday

In the past few days, I went to Xinxin's God parents' home to see their daughter--my God daughter. The girl is the same age as Xinxin and she still remembers my daughter's name--she calls me Xinxin mommy as most kids here call me after two and a half years. We used to play together everyday before we moved to Singapore. Xinxin and the girl had a lot of great times. I brought the girl to the park that Xinxin and her used to play. I still have the photos that Xinxin plays in the park(but they are not taken by the digital camera). It always reminds me how nice if Xinxin were alive.

When night falls,and when I am alone, I cannot help crying for my lost--missing my Xinxin a lot. Almost all my friends and relatives ask me to have another baby soon and forget Xinxin. But how can I? Xinxin is not here but she is my little angel and she is going to be in my heart forever.

Thank you--my students

Some of my students came to see me yesterday. They bought me fruits and Flowers again(my students bought flowers to see me after I gave birth to Xinxin)

These students are now in the last year of their high school and,they will meet their College Entrance Exams within 90 days. And they are the students who tried their best last year to organize things to donate for my daughter. Aren't they very nice? During my daughter's treatment,we got a lot help from friends,but not from any relatives(except my family), my husband's brother called to tell us to give up instead of so called waisting money. Sometimes it's really hard to understand why the poor students have more hearts than our adult--they bought big apartments,some even have cars. I guess that's why God loves kids.

I want to thank all my students and friends and who gave us a lot of support during my daughter's treatment.

March,9th,2009 Monday

I have been to my hometown for two weeks and finally got the Internet today. I tried to keep myself at home as I had been stayed in this town for 15 years and had been in the same school for 11 years.(5 years for being a student and 6 years as a teacher). My school is only three minutes' walk from my home, so in the same community, almost everyone knows me and my family.But soon almost all our relatives and my friends came to my home to see me. It's really very nice of them to support us at this moment, but I just do not know how to share my feelings with them. Of course they don't want to see me cry again and again, so every time, I tried to keep quiet. Some of them invited to go to school to have lunch as our school has dining hall from this semester now. It's really hard for me to get into the school right now.

I really feel kind of lost now.I haven't get used to the life without my dearest daughter. The reason I came home is because my parents wanted me to get enough rest. So every day, my job is to eat more and sleep more, but unfortunately, I got sick at the third day and have been coughing for one week. But it's really very enjoying for being a daughter of my parents and a wife of my husband. My parents are really very nice to me---cook for me, wash my clothes for me and accompany to the hospital. My husband calls me a few times every day and we chat just like when we just met many years ago.