July 30th, 2009 Thursday

Please read the following words sent by my friend-Emily.I read it many times, and it makes me really think and it surely brings me closer to God.

I asked God to take away my bad habit.

God said, No.

It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.
God said, No.
His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary

I asked God to grant me patience.
God said, No.
Patience is a byproduct of tribulations;
it isn't granted, it is learned.

I asked God to give me happiness.
God said, No.
I give you blessings; Happiness is up to you.

I asked God to spare me pain.
God said, No.
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares
and brings you closer to me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said, No.
You must grow on your own,
but I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life.
God said, No.
I will give you life,
so that you may enjoy all things.

I asked God to help me LOVE others,
as much as He loves me.
God said.......Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.


To the world you might be one person,
But to one person you just might be the world

May the Lord Bless you and keep you,
May the Lord Make his face shine upon you,
And give you Peace......Forever












July 24th, 2009 Friday

I guess we all know that having good health is more important than anything else.But when we have the healthy body, we never feel so lucky and always tries hard to grasp those not so important things compared to health.And I did really understand it at the day when my daughter was diagnosed with cancer.Facing death for my loved daughter, I started to view life differently.

I used to think that I was still young and death is far far away. But who can guarantee himself to be alive tomorrow? If we know that we are dying sooner or later, can we live our lives here more meaningfully and abundantly?

It's really very hard for us in the secular society. I often hear people say that they will serve God after they grow old and when they have nothing to do after their retirement. As for me, I always told myself that how much I would donate to the sick when I get a job.But we never think about the fact that we may not have the chance or when the time comes, we forget our promises already.

Through Xinxin's cancer treatment, we have experienced the great love from God.In the past few months,when I heard that a single mother was asking people to raise half a million Singapore dollars (thanks to God, they made it) to help her girl to do 3F8 treatment in USA. Except feeling sorry for the family, I was very thankful that God prepared everything for my daughter--Xinxin got the 3F8 in HK. And stay with both parents beside her and love her.
There are times that I couldn't bear seeing my daughter's poor situation. God always sent his angels and his words to encourage me and to help me. Reading the words from Bible gives me a lot of strength. God is always with us. Without Him, we couldn't go so far--my daughter received the best treatment in the world when we don't even have enough money to start the treatment. Yes, Xinxin died. and we are still very sad. But I will regret for the rest of my life if we didn't bring her to try the best treatment. I should say that it is God who provides all the things(All parents want their kid to have the best treatment, but not all can get it).
Things will be very different for those parents who did the treatments and those who gave up. And the parents' feelings will definitely not be the same, when the child died at the end.

People born in China like us seldom have the chance to experience God's glory. But we did touch God's true love and glory, unfortunately through my daughter's cancer treatment, how I wish it could from other things.
But we should always remember to pass the love on and tell people how great God is. So friends, please always remind me to stand firm in my faith. And let's encourage each other to live the fullest every day--to give more and to forgive more because it might be the last day for us in the world.

July 9th,2009 Thursday

I am still looking for a job, but not have one yet. It seems that finding a suitable job is quite hard here in HK.

Xinxin's ashes are still not back home yet. My husband didn't like the container they put her ashes in --because it's quite heavy, not easy for us bring back to Singapore. Talking about the ashes, my tears can't help coming out by itself.One cancer petient' s mother told me that they actually are small pieces of bones. I don't think I have the courage to see them. It's horrible to even think about it. We will keep them at home first.

My husband asked me to stop writing Bog as it always remind me the bad days my daughter had. I don't know if I should continue--as I know some friends are still reading it as a habit already and I can only express my real feelings here although my English is really limited. Whenever I start to write about the Blog, Xinxin's image is still clearly in my mind--she is smiling at me. Her sweet smile and pretty face is so nice that I want to hug her tightly.

My sweet heart: are you having a happy life there? You are the one to remind me every morning how lucky we are to be healthy and still alive.You are the one to teach me to be strong and brave. and you are the special one in my heart that no one can replace.

July 2nd, 2009 Thursday

Thank you all very much for the emails and concerns, and I am sorry that I couldn't update ---The home computer had a problem and the laptop also didn't work well.

I got back to HK on June 28th finally.Actually, I had planned to go to HK on June 13th.On June 12th, My husband called me to tell that he had a business trip to Singapore and he wanted me to came after he came back.

So far, I only have planned to look for jobs in HongKong first.I am trying to write my resume and hopefully I can start to send it out by tonight or tomorrow. I am not confident because I don't understand Cantonese at all and it is a must to find a job here.But anyway I will try.

I have been praying for a kid who was the same age as my daughter. He was diagnosed in KKH two years ago with brain tumor. We have never met him before, or we might meet in KKH before, but we didn't know each other.My friend,Emily, sent the prayer request. And his situation was not good.His heart rate was 200 weeks ago.
Please pray for this poor boy and his family.

I recall the time when Xinxin's heart rate was 200+ in her last day. She was very very uncomfortable but she couldn't talk. I guess she was very painful. For a few times, her heart rate was 0 and went back to be very fast again, then to be lower and lower until no more. And she was bleeding--the blood came from her nose and mouth.The special nurse had to stay beside her to help to clean during her last few hours. We are very thankful that Dr. Chiang in QMH ordered a few bags' platelets for her instead of keeping it for other kids--as some think it is a waist for a dying kid, because anyway she was dying soon.

As for the parents, I had an extraordinary hard time--contradiction. Seeing my own kid dying in such a young age and suffered so much, I wished that she could die in a minute, but in my mind I wanted to see a miracle. The reason that I am so sad till now is because that I saw her pain and stayed beside her but I couldn't do anything and was so helpless. She couldn't talk, but she pointed to her tummy. I know she wanted me to do something for her, I can only cheat her to say that she was going to be healed soon. As a mother, I couldn't do anything to help my girl and protect her when she put all her trust in me.

Some friends told me to have another baby soon as they saw those who lost their children in the earthquake last year already have babies this year. But for me, it is impossible to walk out so fast because the pain of losing my kid is much harder than we imagine.I have had to watch her suffer beyond words. My heart is still torn by the loss of child I have loved as much. Their children lost life in a few minutes or hours and without all these parents beside them. What is a mother's feeling seeing her girl crying for a few months to tell that she was in pain and no medication can help? It's really hard. And it is hard to share this feeling with anyone, even with my husband. My husband tries not talk about it although for a few times he told me that he had dreams of Xinxin.Maybe he is also very sad, I don't know..

For Xinxin's ashes, we made an agreement--to bring back and put at home first and it will stay with us wherever we go or wherever we stay. This coming weekend, we will meet our CCF nurse specialist and ask her to help us to call to make arrangement.(we don't speak Cantonese)

Thank you all again for your concerns and helps.