March 25th,2009 Wednesday

I keep myself at home at daytime and go to my God daughter's home to play with her every night. Xinxin's God parents invited me to go out with them this weekend for two days--they planned the trip special for me because then I can cry in the forest and to the sea. I don't want to disturb their feelings and make the trip not so enjoyable. But it's hard to refuse as they complained that I don't
take them as one family. I know they are trying to help me, but I am not ready now. In China, sometimes it's hard to refuse as it might hurt other people's feeling. Don't know how. I guess I should go with them or maybe should follow my heart.

I was weeping quietly when everyone is sleeping. But I still feel heart pain,I went to a park nearby alone and cried loudly yesterday for the first time after Xinxin's passing. It's good to let out. But my crying made people came around me to ask all kinds of questions.(if you have stayed in China, you can imagine the situation). I asked God to help me, a cleaner told me that God was not going to help only she can help me.(Don't know how people understands my words while I was crying as loudly as I can). And some people asked me to go to temples with them.
It's very hard to talk gospel here in China, so I just cried and cried until I was too tied. it really helped a lot.