Feb. 4th, 2008 Thinking of Xinxin

I planned to bring my husband to the park Xinxin and I used to play, which is only five minutes' walk,and my husband never had a chance to go with us. But we came to the sports ground instead.It was a very nice place for exercise, but my minds is with Xinxin. I was asking why this big world cannot allow a tiny tiny place for my daughter.
I really want to know how is Xinxin now.One friend told me that she is in a better place.I also told my parents that she is taken good care by God now. But deep in my mind, I can not really let go at all.
Who wants to die?No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. Everyone knows that heaven is a better place, but why do we still love to live here? Why do my kid only have a few years here?

And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. The only question us why MY kid must suffer all the pains most adults never experienced?

I talked to Xinxin a few times about death before her passing.Every time, she listened to me quietly and asked me a few questions like: will I get food there? But does she really understand what death meant?I don't know, maybe she knows, maybe not. I was so afraid that she would asked me to go with her together,because she asks me to stay with her every minute in her last few months.But she never asked me to go with her.
The last time talking about death was on the day before her last day, I ask crying because I knew I couldn't keep her here for long any more,Xinxin tried to hold my hands, but she was too weak to reach,but she told me clearly the most touchingly sentence:Mommy, don't worry about me.
I have promised her, but I really cannot make it. Xinxin asked me not to lie to her...