April 1st,2009 Wednesday

When Xinxin is alive, we always ask her whether she wanted a baby brother or baby sister. And she told us different answers every time. And I really wanted to let her have siblings as I know how lonely she was when she saw other kids have brothers or sisters to play with. This feeling is especially strong during Xinxin's treatment because I thought we would die before Xinxin and it's better to let her have siblings. But after Xinxin's passing, suddenly, I don't want to have baby anymore.

It's very scary to recall what Xinxin went through and how helpless we were when we saw Xinxin suffer but cannot do any thing to help her suffer any less.When she was in so much pain, I wanted to die for her..For a few times the doctor told me to get prepared, I told them that we had got prepared,but we didn't do anything,because I really don't know what to prepare when I know Xinxin was dying soon-to prepare not cry, or to prepare to be sad or I don't know. And what make things worse is that my husband was working most of the time when I am in the hospital with Xinxin, many times I have to face all these alone by myself--How to tell my parents to let them get prepared that their grand kid was dying. And many parents always say that I was strong, but I am not, I am not strong at all, no parents are strong enough to bear the loss of their kids especially after so many sufferings--she suffered because we thought she could be saved, but she suffered for nothing. Isn't it very painful when we recall all these which no kids should face at all.

I got the following emails from my friends-Nancy and Joe when I told them that I don't want to have baby any more. It's very nice of them to write the story and it's encouraging to read the story, but i am still VERY scared to only think about it.

Dear Joy,

You might be interested in this true story: About 56 years ago parents lost their daughter, age 4, to leukemia. The parents, like you, were devastated and the mother’s hair turned white. Later, they had more children. In 1989 the father, George H.W. Bush, became President of the United States. In 2000 one of their sons, George W. Bush, was also elected President of the United States. Later, another son, was elected Governor of the state of Florida.


Take care and keep well.

Love, Nancy & Joe Logan