Last night, I couldn't fell asleep. I cried for a while, then I looked at Xinxin's photos and cried for more time. And yesterday for the first time I wrote a friend to tell her that I don't want to believe in God any more as He allows all these happened to a helpless kid. In the morning, I got an Email from another friend--Emily. Please read part of it:
I love Xinxin's baby photos. She's so cute. What Xinxin went through was a lot of pain and suffering but remember, her suffering is not in vain. She suffered for a good reason which sometimes we do not know. In her suffering, both herself and you got to know God. In her suffering, it might have planted a seed of Jesus in someone's heart whom we do not know. In her suffering, it drew your family closer and friends nearer too. It is not in vain and God will reward her greatly in heaven. It's just remind me like how Jesus suffered. Yes, he died for our sins but must he be tortired so badly and put through so much pain and shame and then he still die. but all these are for a purpose, to redeem us, to die for our sins. So what XinXin has gone through, it is for a purpose. It is very hard for a parent to bear and the helplessness.
Xin Xin is special and she is chosen. It is heartbreaking for us as parents no doubt but I suppose that's how Mary must have felt when Jesus died on the cross. Maybe God want us as parents to go through such suffering with our children and hence, we can be more compassionate to others in suffering and need of help.
After reading the email, I feel guilty and it reminds me of the things that I almost forgot how God helps us during Xinxin's treatment. And it reminds me everything I should already learn from Xinxin's suffering.
Last year today(April 2nd,2008), Xinxin wake up every early in KKH without eating anything because I told her that she was going to have a "Check-Up". She looked quite brave and didn't complain anything.
We send her to the second floorof KKH at 8:00 am from the ward.
We met her like this at 9+pm in ICU. Our dear doctor--Mr.Chui Chanhon did his best to do the surgery for Xinxin.A lot of friends were praying for Xinxin and some friends came to KKH to stay with us on this day.
My husband and I couldn't help crying to SEE her call "mummy,carry me", because she cannot talk, we can only guess it from the shape of her mouth.