July 2nd, 2009 Thursday

Thank you all very much for the emails and concerns, and I am sorry that I couldn't update ---The home computer had a problem and the laptop also didn't work well.


I got back to HK on June 28th finally.Actually, I had planned to go to HK on June 13th.On June 12th, My husband called me to tell that he had a business trip to Singapore and he wanted me to came after he came back.


So far, I only have planned to look for jobs in HongKong first.I am trying to write my resume and hopefully I can start to send it out by tonight or tomorrow. I am not confident because I don't understand Cantonese at all and it is a must to find a job here.But anyway I will try.


I have been praying for a kid who was the same age as my daughter. He was diagnosed in KKH two years ago with brain tumor. We have never met him before, or we might meet in KKH before, but we didn't know each other.My friend,Emily, sent the prayer request. And his situation was not good.His heart rate was 200 weeks ago.
Please pray for this poor boy and his family.

I recall the time when Xinxin's heart rate was 200+ in her last day. She was very very uncomfortable but she couldn't talk. I guess she was very painful. For a few times, her heart rate was 0 and went back to be very fast again, then to be lower and lower until no more. And she was bleeding--the blood came from her nose and mouth.The special nurse had to stay beside her to help to clean during her last few hours. We are very thankful that Dr. Chiang in QMH ordered a few bags' platelets for her instead of keeping it for other kids--as some think it is a waist for a dying kid, because anyway she was dying soon.

As for the parents, I had an extraordinary hard time--contradiction. Seeing my own kid dying in such a young age and suffered so much, I wished that she could die in a minute, but in my mind I wanted to see a miracle. The reason that I am so sad till now is because that I saw her pain and stayed beside her but I couldn't do anything and was so helpless. She couldn't talk, but she pointed to her tummy. I know she wanted me to do something for her, I can only cheat her to say that she was going to be healed soon. As a mother, I couldn't do anything to help my girl and protect her when she put all her trust in me.

Some friends told me to have another baby soon as they saw those who lost their children in the earthquake last year already have babies this year. But for me, it is impossible to walk out so fast because the pain of losing my kid is much harder than we imagine.I have had to watch her suffer beyond words. My heart is still torn by the loss of child I have loved as much. Their children lost life in a few minutes or hours and without all these parents beside them. What is a mother's feeling seeing her girl crying for a few months to tell that she was in pain and no medication can help? It's really hard. And it is hard to share this feeling with anyone, even with my husband. My husband tries not talk about it although for a few times he told me that he had dreams of Xinxin.Maybe he is also very sad, I don't know..

For Xinxin's ashes, we made an agreement--to bring back and put at home first and it will stay with us wherever we go or wherever we stay. This coming weekend, we will meet our CCF nurse specialist and ask her to help us to call to make arrangement.(we don't speak Cantonese)

Thank you all again for your concerns and helps.